The Loving Message in a Touch

Studies of infants and children have shown repeatedly that nothing is more important to early physical and mental growth than touching.

Touching is (or maybe ‘used to be’?) the most natural thing in the world.

Our obsessive concern with cleanliness and correctness cuts into what should be the sheer pleasure, for parents and child alike, of stroking and cuddling.

All of an infant’s early communication, instinctively, is by touch. Words soon begin to accompany the actions, and the child learns to associate the two. Still later, words alone suffice for the parent and may leave the child and parents touch-deprived without even knowing it!

For example: a mother consoles a fretful infant by rocking and patting him gently. As he grows older, she pats him while murmuring encouraging words. Eventually, she simply calls out from another room “Mommy’s here, It’s OK.” Words have replaced touches, distance has replaced former physical closeness.

Except in moments of extreme crisis, we have forgotten how to ask for – or to offer – this boon of a nurturing, loving touch. We forget how it can heal the wounds of a hurt, quarrel or upset.

A mother tried reasoning with her two quarrelling daughters. When that failed, their annoyed father ordered them to be quiet, but they kept it up. It wasn’t until the extremely upset mother impulsively flung her arms about both girls and held them tightly to her that the bickering stopped.

Another family, concerned about their teenage son’s rebelliousness, tried everything they, and those they consulted with, could think of. Suddenly one day the father got up and embraced his son. The boy hugged back and both began to cry. “It’s the first time you’ve held me since I was a child,” The boy said.

“I always wanted to,” his father replied. “Believe me, I wanted to, but I was afraid you wouldn’t grow up to be a real man.”

These incidents are not unusual. Whether we can admit it or not, many of us are painfully inhibited about touching and being touched by other people – even those we love.

Often we fail to realize how this separates us from any real emotional contact with those who share our lives.


From: Fair Lady 11/73 - 2007


Purposeful touch:

Touch needed to perform some function: Help someone up or down a step.
Change a nappy. Carry a child.

Therapeutic touch:

Administer first aid or medical attention to someone. Reflexology, Aromatherapy, massage, physiotherapy etc.

Unconditional touch:

Light, fleeting, occasionally warm, patting, stroking or caressing of face and head, neck, shoulders arms and hands from the side or behind.
Glancing, warm, gentle eye contact between you, or none at all.
If the receiver pulls away, casually, and immediately, stop your touching.
Unconditional touch is often so fleeting that the other is unable to pull away before the touch is finished.
No expectations on your part, of anything from the person your are touching.

Conditional touch:

Any touch in which you are hoping for, or expecting, some sort of response, reciprocation, or compliance from the person being touched.
Frequently front-body to front-body, or face-to-face. Usually accusing, demanding or expectant eye contact.
Often firmer, sometimes rough and/or constraining, hopefully never bullying, cruel or abusive.

Soothing touch:

Comforting, stroking, or patting touch with the motive of re-assuring, soothing and relieving anxiety, distress or discomfort.

Take the challenge: experiment with, and increase your touch ability.

WARNING: Be sensitive to, and aware of, appropriateness.
Think about potential accusations or problems before you touch another.
Some people might mistake your motives and behaviour, despite all your best intentions.

Always THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.

Try touch associated with singing and rhymes.
Try touch while you are story telling.
Try touch while you are dancing, exercise or movement.
Try touch associated with water.
Try touch associated with the outdoors.
Try friendly, companionable, supportive, affirming and unconditional touch.