Abuse

Abuse – Illegitimate use of Position, Power and Control

*Abuse may be intentional, vicious and violent. Some may be inadvertent, clumsy, ignorant and unknowing.

*ALL ABUSE IS WRONG. If I commit it, it is wrong! If another commits it, it is wrong!

*All of us are responsible to do what is necessary to identify abuse, discover how to deal with it in ourselves, and discover how to effectively intervene on behalf of those who are less able than we are, with or without official help.

*All of us deserve respect, kindness, care and attention... both the offended and the offenders. Consult with those who know more than you do how best to be effective. Learn. Be part of the force for change for the better.


Physical:

Twisting, tripping, biting, pushing, shoving, hitting.
Scratching, jabbing, poking.
Punching, pinching, kicking, grabbing.
Slapping, choking, pulling hair/ears/limbs.
Using a weapon/object to inflict harm and pain.
Beating, whipping, throwing around, shaking, banging.
Tickling, beyond light, fleeting tickling.
Tickling after being asked to stop.
Burning.
Restraining unreasonably.
Depriving of touch.
Cruelty to children/animals.

Threatening:

-To do something to hurt physically and/or emotionally.
-To kill, or to have killed.
-To abandon, to leave and not come back.
-To take away people or things.
-To commit suicide, or to injure self.
-To report to family or friends, church, school or state authorities.

Gender Privilege:

Treating the other gender as worthless/inadequate.
Making decisions without discussion.
Acting dictatorially like the “king” ”queen” “boss”.
Treating the other gender like a slave/servant.

Adult Position:

Making the other parent feel guilty about the children.
Using children to pass on messages from you to another adult.
Using your way of parenting to harass or hurt another.
Favouring one child over other siblings.
Unfair punishment, over strictness.
Showing of harmful videos/television/books/magazines/internet etc
Making children take on adult responsibilities.
Putting children in the middle of adult fights.
Forcing excessive work.
Forcing children/teenagers/young adults to date/mate those adults choose.
Expecting/demanding faultlessness, perfection.
Always claiming to be right "I'm telling you the truth".
Making fun of another's behaviour.
Not taking another seriously.
Shifting responsibility - blaming the other for your behaviour.

Intimidation:

Putting another in a state of fear by looks, actions, gestures.
Loud voice, smashing things, destroying property.
Screaming, shouting.
Frightening by unexpected actions or noises.
Forcing another to watch beatings.
Rushing someone to make decisions.
Making uninvited visits or calls.
Use of physical size to intimidate.
Preventing another from leaving the room/house.
Driving recklessly.

Isolation:

Controlling what another does, whom they are permitted to see.
Controlling whom another may talk to, and where they may go.
Cruel or degrading confinement.
Preventing another from private and public transport.
Preventing or making it difficult to keep contact with family/friends.
Monitoring phone calls.

Abusing trust and Breaking promises:

Cheating on your partner/family.
Not following through with agreements.
Not taking a fair share of responsibility.
Refusing to help with the work of parenting/housework.

Emotional/Verbal:

“Putting down”, anger, constant criticism, insulting, rejecting.
Telling someone exactly what to do/not to do.
Saying or doing things that make another feel bad about themselves.
Calling another names that humiliate, confuse or hurt.
Saying you wish they were dead.
Silent treatment, refusing to communicate. Ignoring. Sulking.
Manipulating, causing guilt feelings - 'guilt tripping'.
Making and breaking promises repeatedly.
Sadistic making fun of, teasing and/or tricks.
Humiliating/taunting/mocking/shaming another.
Making another think they are going crazy, or are already crazy.
Playing “Persecutor” “Rescuer” and/or “Victim” mind-games.
Not allowing any privacy.
Forcing another to keep “secrets”.
Blaming another for all the couple/family or other problems.
Ignoring, or not believing, or disregarding when someone says “No”.
Abusing or misusing the trust placed in you.
Withholding legitimate compliments, guidance, support and encouragement.
Interrupting.
Changing the topic.
Not listening/not responding.
Twisting meaning of words.
Saying bad things about friends and family.
Withholding information.

Spiritual:

Spiritual leaders (including spouse and parents) telling another what God would have them do/not do – which is not what He would say, or the way He would say it.

Economic:

Keeping another from getting a job if they want to work.
Ensuring that another loses their job if you don’t want them to work.
Making another ask/beg for money to which they are reasonably entitled.
Withholding food, clothing, necessities, money.
Giving a paltry allowance whilst being lavish with yourself.
Taking/stealing money that belongs to another.
Interfering at the place of employment.

Educational:

Failing to send children to school in accordance with laws.
Failing to reasonably enable them to have positive educational experiences.

Medical:

Withholding medical attention.
Withholding medicines.
Medicating to make the other dependent/compliant.

Residential:

Locking legitimate house occupants out of their home.
Changing the locks to keep residents out of their home.
Taking away, or “losing”, another’s keys.

Sexual:

Making another do any sexual things they don’t want to.
Physically attacking the sexual parts of another’s body.
Treating another as a sex object.
Sexual Harassment. Sexual shaming.
Inflicting pain associated with sexuality.
Unlawful sexual relations.
Any sexually stimulating behaviour outside of marriage.
Sexually inappropriate language.

Neglect:

Physical personal neglect.
Leaving children alone for hours on end without supervision.
Neglect of any in your care.
Non-supervision.

Abandonment:

Simply leaving and not coming back.

Self-Destructive Behaviour:

Abusing drugs/alcohol/medication.
Threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm.
Saying or doing things that will have negative consequences.

*When abuse happens repeatedly,
attempts to please, pacify, or reason with the offender
seldom stop the behaviour.

*Apologies and promises by the abuser
seldom signal the end of the abuse.

*Frequently evaluate your communication and treatment of others, and theirs with you.

*Affirm your own worth.

*Affirm the fundamental worth of each and every other.

*Believe that you have the right to think, feel and make choices for yourself.
And so do all others have that right too.

*Train those you are responsible to, and responsible for,
to know for themselves what their rights and responsibilities are
and to increasingly be assertive and responsible.

*Know that you can ask for help. Talk to someone you trust.
Keep talking until the situation is remedied.

***Do I allow little things to annoy me,
resulting in any of the above verbal or non-verbal forms of abuse?

***Do I become frustrated and make hurtful comments
even though I understand that
the other to whom I am speaking is NOT responsible
for MY angry feelings – I am?

My, or others’, unkind behaviour and hurtful comments
that grow out of our disappointments and dissatisfactions
may be early signs of impending escalating
harmful behaviour to self or others.

If not identified and corrected early,
unkind behaviour patterns and comments
can escalate into of more serious offences.

With constant, careful effort those involved CAN eliminate these behaviours and comments.

Marriage, family and relationship peace and satisfaction is possible,
when “the rules of the healthy marriage and family game” are followed.

Use thoughts, words and actions that protect, help and build, not harm and intimidate.

From: P Carnes, R Woods, R Fait, L Fauneaur, “Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse”, “Spouse Abuse”, NISAA Institute for Women's development.