Deception and Lying

Teens: Deception and Lying

When someone is deceiving and lying to you, they are hiding themselves from you. You don’t know the real person you are dealing with. Your teen is not present with you. And that is not good.

Three common reasons for teen deception and lying:

FEAR: He is afraid to be honest. He may be scared to disappoint you or a friend. He may be afraid of your anger, or that you will pull away from him.

He may fear that the truth will interfere with love – the relationship.

Ask him if you are not allowing him be his real self. Ask if you are controlling his life so much that he is afraid to have freedom or secrets.

Let him know you may not agree with him, but that, no matter what, you are on the same side.

Tell him you want him to have love, increasing space and greater freedom.

DOUBLE BINDS: You have expectations that are unreasonable and whichever choices he makes he cannot win – he loses.

Example: John is told he cannot hang around with Steven. Steven is a bad influence on John. John agreed to abide by the restriction.

Not long after that a group of friends got together. John was in the group, and so was Steven. John felt weird and embarrassed about walking away from the group to keep his agreement with his parent, so he didn’t do anything about it, nor did he tell his parent the circumstances.

The parent found out. In the discussion that followed between parent and teen the adult discovered he had put his teen in a difficult situation.

After thought and more discussion the agreement was altered: John agreed not to be alone with Steven. In a group setting John was less vulnerable to Steven’s influence than when there were just the two of them.

Life is challenging enough without your unrealistic expectations and demands.

A SHORTCUT MENTALITY: Lying is easier – practical, problem-solving – in the short term… All of us have this short-cut mentality at some level – we govern it with maturity. To allow this to continue in an increasingly un-self-disciplined fashion is to allow a pattern to develop that will ruin her life.

Handling the Problem of Deception and Lying:

Take a No-Tolerance Stand.
State your position with love, tolerance and grace. He needs to understand that when deception begins, relationships end. Let him know that it is not OK and never will be OK to deceive and lie – not now and also not in the future.

Stay Connected – Even in the Problem.
“I am always for you, even when you lie. But when you deceive me it is hard to know who you are, or to believe you. I want a relationship with you, and I’m going to keep working on this with you. I want you to know that your deception gets in the way of that. When you deceive me you’re dishonest and you are distancing yourself from me.”

Love is Free – But Freedom is Earned.
To the extent that she is untruthful, she loses the freedom she desires and needs so much. Love is unconditional and freely given. Freedom and trust must be earned – so she chooses how much freedom and trust she gets. “I know you want to go out. Your lying makes it impossible to trust you. You will be going out less until I see more honesty in you.”

Give Ways to Earn Freedom.
“You can go out now, but because of your lying, you will have to phone me every hour. And also, an adult must get on the phone and verify that you are where you say you are going.” She needs to know that deception is serious and that the way to get more freedom is by slowly gaining back your trust.

Go Lightly on Confession and Heavier on Deception.
Let him know that if he breaks the agreement it will go better for him if he admits the truth rather than being caught in the lie. The consequence of deception will be much higher than the consequence of telling the truth.

Catch What You Can, But Stay Focused on the Relationship.
Don’t expect to know everything and catch everything. Don’t cause her to think you are going to monitor every second of her life – that often drives her to creative deception. Your work is to help her experience the truth that relationships and life are better when she becomes more honest.

Pray about How to Handle the Deceptions.
God designed life to work better for us when we live in the Light. “Live as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8

From Boundaries with Teens p187ff - Dr John Townsend