Help your children learn "The Art of Friendship"
Learn along with them if you were not able to learn this when you were a child!
Friendships are important in our lives.
Friends may be like us or dissimilar and may be good and valuable friends for many reasons.
Discuss these friendship qualities together:
I am a good and worthwhile friend.
I can keep promises.
I do not criticise friends behind their back.
I return things I borrow.
I lend willingly to my friends.
I stand up for a friend who is being criticised.
I say "Thank You" when a friend is helpful.
I apologise when I let down or inconvenience a friend.
I listen to my friend's troubles.
I do some meaningful things for my friend.
I can keep my friend's confidences.
My conversation is thoughtful and considerate.
I can, and sometimes do, take the iniative in greeting people.
I think in advance of things to say.
I volunteer information about what I have been doing, thinking, feeling, watching or reading.
I can, and sometimes do, express my differering opinion.
I ask other people questions/for their opinion.
I listen thoughtfully to their responses without interrupting.
I draw shy people into the conversation.
I say aloud when I agree with what someone has said.
I say what part of the expressed sentiment I agree with even if I disagree with other parts of what they have said.
I can, and do, tease and joke in an appropriate friendly way.
BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED: If you fail to plan and prepare, you ARE preparing and planning to fail. I love my four children! I would have liked to parent them better. This is some of what I wish I had been able to know thirty or forty years ago! I hope this helps my younger friends.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
The Drama Triangle
What is going on between you and your spouse?
What is going on between you and each of your children?
Steven Karpman (Transactional Analysis practitioner) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationships with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!
Imagine an upside-down triangle with the two top angles being labelled Persecutor and Rescuer, and the bottom angle being labelled Victim...
DRAMA TRIANGLE ROLES:
Persecutor - either active (shouting/hitting) or passive (withdrawing/not speaking)
Rescuer
Victim
Can you "see" yourself in this Drama Triangle?
Identify your favourite role.
Identify what roles the others in your life are playing.
Identify when YOU choose to play a complementary role.
Identify when you are "sucked into" a complementary role.
Identify who starts the "play".
Identify what happens as the "play" plays out.
Identify how your "play" ends.
Here is what you might try when you identify what you are doing in a "Drama Triangle Play":
Simply refuse to carry on "acting" whichever part you are playing.
Simply STOP. Say "Whoops! - time to think!" if you want to.
Simply be quiet. Say "I'm pausing to think." if you want to.
Simply look. Listen. Think. Decide. "What is going on here?!"
Simply notice what is happening here - "What is happening?"
DO NOT label the behaviour of any others to them.
THINK about the "players", do not openly label them.
The player with the most power to change things in the Drama Triangle interactions is the Victim.
A Persecutor sees the other/s as "Less Than" and persecutes them - A Persecutor sees others as being "one-down" compared to him.
A Persecutor (Active or Passive) ignores the dignity, value and uniqueness of the other/s in her life.
A Rescuer views himself as "More Than" the other/s. A Rescuer offers/forces his "help" from his "one-up" position. "I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough to
help yourself".
A Rescuer ignores the ability of other people to think and act on their own initiative.
A Victim sees herself (or allow other people to see her) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes a Victim subtly seeks a Persecutor to put her down and push her around.
Sometimes a Victim naively seeks a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm her Victim beliefs "I can't cope on my own." "You know more than I do." "There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
A Victim ignores her own dignity, value and iniative - She sees herself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. She sees herself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.
See if this fits for you:
"I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal/complementary role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA". This happens without my (or usually their) awareness."
(We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where the roles were one of our means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.")
You can know you (or another) have (has) stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:
1 Repetition: What is happening (or is going to happen) is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time too. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"
2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act" what shows to observers. The other level is the psychological level - the unseen, the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (both ways) are in abundance - this is like a "soap opera!".
3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you and any others involved, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating and frustrated "bad" feeling... again!
4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and unpleasant surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. The role players have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!" "He was persecuting me, now he is so nice to me! What happened?!" "She was so helpful to me, now she is expecting me to help her! What happened?!""
5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our growing heap of previously unsolved problems.
There are real persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not really persecutors, rescuers and victims - they are taking on a role, playing a part - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the "play" than before the DRAMA, neither has progress been made in solving any problem - in fact another problem is added.
Why do we enter into The Drama Triangle dynamics?
It is no fun.
We do it because we unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what we needed when we were children.
"Playing our Part" worked then, in the family that we were in at that time.
The problem is that we are no longer the 'child' in the home we were in as a child.
We each are now an 'adult' in our circumstances now.
Our out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective any more in our present day-to-day relationships and circumstances.
How do we "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics from playing out?
Try some of these:
As soon as you identify you are in A Drama Triangle, again!, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, choose to just step out. Simply "Stop". Refuse to carry on your part of the "act" any longer.
Please don't Persecute the others now! Just say something like "I need to think about all this for a while."
Choose to be quiet and figure out for yourself how to get yourself "real". Be Brave. "If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do." If you don't know what "real" is for you, try different ways of expressing yourself until something feels really "real" to you.
When you find yourself being the Persecutor, say something like "I've been grinding at you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."
When you find yourself being the Rescuer try saying something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... (take the time you need to figure out what you want to do or say) "What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"
(Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need help. Perhaps you are not the one who can actually help them either...)
When you are being the Victim (the one with the greatest power to change the "Play") try something like "I have just realised that I feel /am acting helpless. When I think about it, I am not really. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' or 'panic' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."
These Drama Triangle patterns are life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational. They are frequently persistently resistant to change.
Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph.
"I am moving towards more real interactions with people."
"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."
"I am moving towards less "feeling bad" that is unproductive."
You may 'feel (productively) bad' now as you move into these new and unfamiliar patterns.
This will lessen over time with each success you have.
Look for the support of different people whose lives are more effective, problem-solving and peaceful, as you want yours to be in future.
"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising ways."
"I am moving towards having less unpleasant 'switches/surprises' in my life - and knowing what to do better."
"I am moving towards being more knowing and understanding of what is actually happening - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better, more peaceful 'me'".
"With vigilance and practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle."
"I can choose (and know how to!) step out sooner."
"I can THINK and identify real needs (mine and others')."
"I can find straight, honest talk, and real ways to meet real needs."
"I will be taking a risk. I can be strong and of good courage."
"I will have to put in great effort to learn to do it."
"I will have to pause more often."
"I will have to think!"
"I will live more productively and consciously."
"I can do this! It may take me a while... but I CAN do this!"
"I will give myself this gift."
"I will ask for the help I need from those who REALLY can help me understand what is going on so that I can live more peacefully, purposefully and problem-solvingly."
Successful continuous transforming to you, and me too...
What is going on between you and each of your children?
Steven Karpman (Transactional Analysis practitioner) devised a simple yet powerful diagram to help us understand our relationships with some people. He called it THE DRAMA TRIANGLE. He suggests that we can frequently take on one of the roles of the Drama Triangle - if we are less aware!
Imagine an upside-down triangle with the two top angles being labelled Persecutor and Rescuer, and the bottom angle being labelled Victim...
DRAMA TRIANGLE ROLES:
Persecutor - either active (shouting/hitting) or passive (withdrawing/not speaking)
Rescuer
Victim
Can you "see" yourself in this Drama Triangle?
Identify your favourite role.
Identify what roles the others in your life are playing.
Identify when YOU choose to play a complementary role.
Identify when you are "sucked into" a complementary role.
Identify who starts the "play".
Identify what happens as the "play" plays out.
Identify how your "play" ends.
Here is what you might try when you identify what you are doing in a "Drama Triangle Play":
Simply refuse to carry on "acting" whichever part you are playing.
Simply STOP. Say "Whoops! - time to think!" if you want to.
Simply be quiet. Say "I'm pausing to think." if you want to.
Simply look. Listen. Think. Decide. "What is going on here?!"
Simply notice what is happening here - "What is happening?"
DO NOT label the behaviour of any others to them.
THINK about the "players", do not openly label them.
The player with the most power to change things in the Drama Triangle interactions is the Victim.
A Persecutor sees the other/s as "Less Than" and persecutes them - A Persecutor sees others as being "one-down" compared to him.
A Persecutor (Active or Passive) ignores the dignity, value and uniqueness of the other/s in her life.
A Rescuer views himself as "More Than" the other/s. A Rescuer offers/forces his "help" from his "one-up" position. "I have to help you because you are not good enough/smart enough to
help yourself".
A Rescuer ignores the ability of other people to think and act on their own initiative.
A Victim sees herself (or allow other people to see her) in a "one-down" position.
Sometimes a Victim subtly seeks a Persecutor to put her down and push her around.
Sometimes a Victim naively seeks a Rescuer who will offer help and confirm her Victim beliefs "I can't cope on my own." "You know more than I do." "There is nothing I can do to get out of this."
A Victim ignores her own dignity, value and iniative - She sees herself as someone worthy of no more than rejection and belittling. She sees herself as in need of help in order to think straight, act, or make decisions.
See if this fits for you:
"I step into the Drama Triangle by taking on one of the roles and inviting others to take on a reciprocal/complementary role; or I am invited into the Drama Triangle by someone else who initiates the "DRAMA". This happens without my (or usually their) awareness."
(We learnt our habitual roles in the homes of our childhood where the roles were one of our means of survival in our circumstances there, 'favourable' or 'unfavourable'.")
You can know you (or another) have (has) stepped into A Drama Triangle by one or more of these five identifying factors:
1 Repetition: What is happening (or is going to happen) is repetitive. It has happened before and will follow the same pattern as before and next time too. "Here I go again! Why do I/we keep doing this?!"
2 Two levels: One level is the apparent level: the social level - the "act" what shows to observers. The other level is the psychological level - the unseen, the "real" level. Two different levels of communication are going on at the same time. Mixed messages (both ways) are in abundance - this is like a "soap opera!".
3 Feel bad: The end of the Drama, which may be short or long in duration, is that I, and sometimes/often, you and any others involved, feel a familiar, unsatisfying, frustrating and frustrated "bad" feeling... again!
4 The "Switch"/Surprise: The Drama Triangle always includes "the switch". This is a moment of confusion and unpleasant surprise. At this point you have the sensation that something lousily unexpected has happened - again. The role players have switched roles. "I was playing the Victim/Persecutor/Rescuer, now I am in another of the roles! What happened?!" "He was persecuting me, now he is so nice to me! What happened?!" "She was so helpful to me, now she is expecting me to help her! What happened?!""
5 The problem is not solved - again!: It was not solved in the past. There is now another problem that is being added to our growing heap of previously unsolved problems.
There are real persecutors, rescuers and victims in the world. The Persecutors, Rescuers and Victims involved in The Drama Triangle are not really persecutors, rescuers and victims - they are taking on a role, playing a part - they are like actors in a play, following a script, and finding that they are no different after the "play" than before the DRAMA, neither has progress been made in solving any problem - in fact another problem is added.
Why do we enter into The Drama Triangle dynamics?
It is no fun.
We do it because we unconsciously learnt how to do it to get what we needed when we were children.
"Playing our Part" worked then, in the family that we were in at that time.
The problem is that we are no longer the 'child' in the home we were in as a child.
We each are now an 'adult' in our circumstances now.
Our out-dated strategies no longer are appropriate, nor problem solving, nor are they effective any more in our present day-to-day relationships and circumstances.
How do we "STOP" The Drama Triangle dynamics from playing out?
Try some of these:
As soon as you identify you are in A Drama Triangle, again!, either before the unpleasant Switch or after, choose to just step out. Simply "Stop". Refuse to carry on your part of the "act" any longer.
Please don't Persecute the others now! Just say something like "I need to think about all this for a while."
Choose to be quiet and figure out for yourself how to get yourself "real". Be Brave. "If at first I don't succeed, I will try,try, try again, until I do." If you don't know what "real" is for you, try different ways of expressing yourself until something feels really "real" to you.
When you find yourself being the Persecutor, say something like "I've been grinding at you again. I am sorry. I actually care about you. Give me a minute. I will be behaving more patiently and honestly from now on."
When you find yourself being the Rescuer try saying something like "Here I go again, I'm trying to solve your problem for you. Give me a minute... (take the time you need to figure out what you want to do or say) "What ideas have you had so far? How can I really help you?"
(Just because someone ASKS for help (verbally or non-verbally), doesn't mean they actually DO need help. Perhaps you are not the one who can actually help them either...)
When you are being the Victim (the one with the greatest power to change the "Play") try something like "I have just realised that I feel /am acting helpless. When I think about it, I am not really. Let me get my brain and body out of 'neutral' or 'panic' and 'into gear', and THINK. I'll come back to you if I really am stuck and need your help. Thanks."
These Drama Triangle patterns are life-long patterns, and usually multi-generational. They are frequently persistently resistant to change.
Every little bit of progress in stepping out of The Drama Triangles of your life will be a significant triumph.
"I am moving towards more real interactions with people."
"I am moving towards more real problem solving in my life."
"I am moving towards less "feeling bad" that is unproductive."
You may 'feel (productively) bad' now as you move into these new and unfamiliar patterns.
This will lessen over time with each success you have.
Look for the support of different people whose lives are more effective, problem-solving and peaceful, as you want yours to be in future.
"I am moving towards being more honestly and openly my whole self - not operating on two levels any more in the same old, repetitive, frustrating and down-spirallingly agonising ways."
"I am moving towards having less unpleasant 'switches/surprises' in my life - and knowing what to do better."
"I am moving towards being more knowing and understanding of what is actually happening - in my interactions with the other people in my life. When I see the truth and understand it - I will be free to be my better, more peaceful 'me'".
"With vigilance and practice I can increasingly identify my own, and others', invitations into A Drama Triangle."
"I can choose (and know how to!) step out sooner."
"I can THINK and identify real needs (mine and others')."
"I can find straight, honest talk, and real ways to meet real needs."
"I will be taking a risk. I can be strong and of good courage."
"I will have to put in great effort to learn to do it."
"I will have to pause more often."
"I will have to think!"
"I will live more productively and consciously."
"I can do this! It may take me a while... but I CAN do this!"
"I will give myself this gift."
"I will ask for the help I need from those who REALLY can help me understand what is going on so that I can live more peacefully, purposefully and problem-solvingly."
Successful continuous transforming to you, and me too...
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Degrees of Discomfort
Choose one of these words (or other negative upsetting, disturbing words) to describe your feeling when you are distressed:
Discomfort, fear, obsession, addiction, horror, urge, desire, anger, rage, fury, terror, misery
10 My ………….. is the worst it can possibly be. It is intolerable. I feel panicky.
9 My ………….. is very close to intolerable.
8 My ………….. is very severe.
7 My ………….. is severe.
6 My ………….. is very uncomfortable.
5 My ………….. is uncomfortable, but I can stand it.
4 My ………….. is noticable and bothersome but I can bear it.
3 I feel a slight degree of ………., but I am totally in control.
2 I'm rather calm, quite relaxed, with no ………….
1 I'm totally relaxed, perfectly calm.
Whatever number you started at, try the sentence below the one you started on. When you feel your distress ease a little, work on the sentence below that until you feel sufficiently in charge of your distress.
If you cannot persuade and nudge your distress down, get informal or formal help to assist you to make your life more manageable for you.
Be honest with yourself. Do you want to have more calmness?
Some distresses take a while to ease up. Be realistic. Give your life time.
Acknowledgement:
Dr James V Durlacher, Roger J Callaghan Ph.D "Freedom from Fear Forever" p45
Discomfort, fear, obsession, addiction, horror, urge, desire, anger, rage, fury, terror, misery
10 My ………….. is the worst it can possibly be. It is intolerable. I feel panicky.
9 My ………….. is very close to intolerable.
8 My ………….. is very severe.
7 My ………….. is severe.
6 My ………….. is very uncomfortable.
5 My ………….. is uncomfortable, but I can stand it.
4 My ………….. is noticable and bothersome but I can bear it.
3 I feel a slight degree of ………., but I am totally in control.
2 I'm rather calm, quite relaxed, with no ………….
1 I'm totally relaxed, perfectly calm.
Whatever number you started at, try the sentence below the one you started on. When you feel your distress ease a little, work on the sentence below that until you feel sufficiently in charge of your distress.
If you cannot persuade and nudge your distress down, get informal or formal help to assist you to make your life more manageable for you.
Be honest with yourself. Do you want to have more calmness?
Some distresses take a while to ease up. Be realistic. Give your life time.
Acknowledgement:
Dr James V Durlacher, Roger J Callaghan Ph.D "Freedom from Fear Forever" p45
Friday, February 27, 2009
Development Phases - Another Perspective
All children have Needs and Tasks in their various stages of development.
The details below are roughly from
"How To Get What You Want" p 50 - by John Gray
Conception to birth:
NEED - God's Unconditional Abundant Love
TASK - Foundation for their Life
Birth to seven years:
NEED - Parents Nurturing and Training Love
TASK - Birth and Young Childhood
Seven to fourteen years:
NEED - Fun, Family and Friends' Love
TASK - School Capability
Fourteen to twenty one:
NEED - Love of Peers and Others with Similar Goals
TASK - Hormone Managing
The details below are roughly from
"How To Get What You Want" p 50 - by John Gray
Conception to birth:
NEED - God's Unconditional Abundant Love
TASK - Foundation for their Life
Birth to seven years:
NEED - Parents Nurturing and Training Love
TASK - Birth and Young Childhood
Seven to fourteen years:
NEED - Fun, Family and Friends' Love
TASK - School Capability
Fourteen to twenty one:
NEED - Love of Peers and Others with Similar Goals
TASK - Hormone Managing
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Learning Healthily as I Grow
Here are the developmental stages of your child and what they hopefully are learning as they grow to adulthood:
Prenatal to 1 year -TRUST is what your child needs to learn.
Create an environment in which your child feels:
* My world is a safe enough place for me
* The people around me are worthy enough of my trust
1 - 3 years - Now your child shifts to learning AUTONOMY.
* I am separate from all those around me
* I can do more and more things on my own
3 - 6 years - Time to develop INIATIVE.
Create space in your home to explore and figure out solutions:
* I can make some difference in my world
* I can find ways to solve more of my own problems
6 - 11 years - Time to discover his/her COMPETENCE.
* I really do contribute to my world - I matter!
* Planning and working out my plan makes a difference
* I will become competent in at least one thing that is meaningful to me and some others
12 - 18 years - The IDENTITY years.
Prenatal to 1 year -TRUST is what your child needs to learn.
Create an environment in which your child feels:
* My world is a safe enough place for me
* The people around me are worthy enough of my trust
1 - 3 years - Now your child shifts to learning AUTONOMY.
Hopefully your environment allows him/her to know deeply:
* My world is a nice (enough) place to be* I am separate from all those around me
* I can do more and more things on my own
3 - 6 years - Time to develop INIATIVE.
Create space in your home to explore and figure out solutions:
* I can make some difference in my world
* I can find ways to solve more of my own problems
6 - 11 years - Time to discover his/her COMPETENCE.
* I really do contribute to my world - I matter!
* Planning and working out my plan makes a difference
* I will become competent in at least one thing that is meaningful to me and some others
12 - 18 years - The IDENTITY years.
These are some of the things your teenager needs to be able to say internally
* I am unique, special, irreplacable and significant
* I increasingly discover who I am, and who I am not
* I make choices as to what I will do, and what I will not do
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Devastating Messages
Don’t feel - Stop crying! You big baby.
Don’t want - That’s more than you can ever get.
Don’t be sane - How can you think that? You’re crazy!
Don’t enjoy - What’s so funny? Stop laughing.
Don’t belong - Go to your room. You can’t join that club.
You’re the odd one out in our family.
Don’t try - You can’t do that. Why would you think you can?…
Don’t be strong - Well, who do you think you are? Big stuff?
Don’t make it - You’ll never do it/be able to do it/This is too hard for you/You’ll never be able to finish.
Don’t be male/female - I wish you were a boy/girl. Calling a person “it”.
Don’t think - (If you think, you will see how I (drink) too much).
Don’t be the age you are - I wish you were (younger) or (older).
Don’t grow up - I like you small. I liked you when you were little.
Don’t be close - Get away from me/her/him. Go away!
Don’t be you - Why can’t you be like your sister/brother?
Don’t be (Don’t exist) - I wish you were dead/I’m sorry you were ever born. You were a mistake. Drop dead.
Please others - Say ‘please/thank you’. What will others think?
Be perfect - Why haven’t you got all A’s? You got that wrong! You always make a mistake!
Hurry up - Quickly! We haven’t got time for you to dawdle again. You are so slow!
Be strong - Of course you can do that – don’t be a weakling.
Better Messages:
What makes you happy? I’m glad. Living means we need some skill – maybe this will help…
What do you have trouble with? Do you need any help from me? Who may be able to help?
It’s OK to feel the way you do now. I can understand why you would feel that way about this.
I love the age you are. I loved you younger. When you are older I will love you that age too.
I love having you share my life/in our family. Thank you for being in our family/group.
We have time today, let’s talk. Another time we might need to rush.
You are doing fine just the way you are. Keep it up. I am part of your cheering section.
Well done. What have you learned? Will you do it the same next time?
Don’t want - That’s more than you can ever get.
Don’t be sane - How can you think that? You’re crazy!
Don’t enjoy - What’s so funny? Stop laughing.
Don’t belong - Go to your room. You can’t join that club.
You’re the odd one out in our family.
Don’t try - You can’t do that. Why would you think you can?…
Don’t be strong - Well, who do you think you are? Big stuff?
Don’t make it - You’ll never do it/be able to do it/This is too hard for you/You’ll never be able to finish.
Don’t be male/female - I wish you were a boy/girl. Calling a person “it”.
Don’t think - (If you think, you will see how I (drink) too much).
Don’t be the age you are - I wish you were (younger) or (older).
Don’t grow up - I like you small. I liked you when you were little.
Don’t be close - Get away from me/her/him. Go away!
Don’t be you - Why can’t you be like your sister/brother?
Don’t be (Don’t exist) - I wish you were dead/I’m sorry you were ever born. You were a mistake. Drop dead.
Please others - Say ‘please/thank you’. What will others think?
Be perfect - Why haven’t you got all A’s? You got that wrong! You always make a mistake!
Hurry up - Quickly! We haven’t got time for you to dawdle again. You are so slow!
Be strong - Of course you can do that – don’t be a weakling.
Better Messages:
What makes you happy? I’m glad. Living means we need some skill – maybe this will help…
What do you have trouble with? Do you need any help from me? Who may be able to help?
It’s OK to feel the way you do now. I can understand why you would feel that way about this.
I love the age you are. I loved you younger. When you are older I will love you that age too.
I love having you share my life/in our family. Thank you for being in our family/group.
We have time today, let’s talk. Another time we might need to rush.
You are doing fine just the way you are. Keep it up. I am part of your cheering section.
Well done. What have you learned? Will you do it the same next time?
Monday, February 2, 2009
Conflict - Learn to "Fight Fair"
Let go of your habitual unfair fighting styles:
Swallowing your gripes, then dumping them all at once – “kitchen-sink-ing” X
Playing Prosecutor or Interrogator or Persecutor X
Getting too intense X
Waving off, or dismissing as “not that big a deal”, the other’s grievances X
Trying to Win at all costs. Succeeding in winning is even more devastating X
Not letting the other know you love him/her X
Getting defensive. Withdrawing, crumbling, trying to defend yourself X
Getting aggressive. Being critical, fault-finding, hurtfully-jabbing, nasty, ridiculing, sarcastic, mocking, contemptuous, rude, disrespectful, unmannerly X
“Naming, blaming and/or shaming” of self or other X
“When someone is hostile, my instinct is to find out why.” – Cynthia Cooper
(When I am hostile, time to go searching inside me, past, present and future, for where this anger comes from.)
“You can get away with bad fighting habits for only so long. Once you are faced with a major crisis, if you haven’t developed good problem-solving skills, you’ll be at greater risk of troubles with your relationship.” - Sybil Carrere
“Often what you are arguing about on the surface isn’t really what the fight is about.”
- Sybil Carrere
“Although your anger feels real, it’s only temporary.” – Renee Bacher
“When you find yourself saying ‘Yes, but…’ it’s a sign that you’ve slammed your mind shut to what the other person has just said.” – Renee Bacher
“You have a choice every time you say something to each other. You can choose: to tear down your relationship or you can nurture it.” - Sybil Carrere
“Ask yourself ‘Would I talk to my best friend or my boss the way I am about to speak to my child?’ Then choose your words carefully.” - Sybil Carrere
Thank you: Cynthia Cooper, Sybil Carrere, Renee Bacher - RD - Oct 2003 p62, T - Dec 2002 p 51
Some Well Documented Better Strategies for : “Fighting Fair”:
1. Talk, talk, talk. If the situation gets ugly or unfruitful, take a ‘time-out’. Do some ‘weeding’ of your own resentments and bitterness’s and other bad habits. Talk again – as soon as you both can. “It is better to debate an issue and not settle it than to settle an issue and not debate it”.
2. Try until you succeed. Accurately get to understanding your own, and the other’s, feelings, significance, and point of view. This may take years.
3. Be increasingly sensitive and honest about your own and the other’s feelings and hidden agendas – work gently and respectfully, respectably. Develop a genuine interest in your own and the other’s feelings and point of view.
4. Come clean. Your true cause and motive for your feud? Seek the other’s deep reasons for the conflict. “What am I/are you afraid of?” “What might be the fear?”
5. Ask yourself (and maybe the other) “Is this productive?” “Now?”
6. Stick to the point at hand. If you want to discuss other things, do it later.
7. Try something (anything!) different – get out of your ‘repetitive cycles’ and unproductive patterns “If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got”.
8. Stay connected. Get connected again, when you can, if your ‘connection’ has frayed. Introduce some positives, and make some ‘deposits’ into your relationship.
9. Find ways to nurture your relationship mid-dispute, creatively.
10. Let your child know by your big and small actions, between disputes, how much they are genuinely respected, cared about, listened to, loved.
11. After discussion, find Compromises that please you both – keep working toward compromises – however long it takes
12. Co-exist (“agree to disagree, agreeably”) for as long as you have to
13. Collaborate more and more – celebrate your differences. Make them work increasingly FOR you instead of AGAINST you – turn your defeats into victories. “Two heads are better than one.” “We are a magnificent team.”
14. Work towards WIN/WIN situations and let go of the lose/win and the win/lose. These are usually personal and relationship losses.
15. Keep conflict-avoidance to a minimum. Have regular, small, gentle clean-outs of ‘issues’. “How are you doing? Do we have anything to clear up?”
16. Promise yourself not to dismiss gripes “If this is important to you, it’s important to me too. I want to understand you and how this looks to you.”
17. Take a breather. Rephrase. What are you hearing? Work on your own approach. If you get stuck the same way, over and over, ask someone you trust and respect for some ideas. Keep searching until you find what works for you.
18. Cultivate your own problem-solving, mild, appropriate sense of humour.
19. Breathe deeply, regularly. Strong emotions need lots of oxygenated blood flowing to the body and brain-in-stress.
20. GROW UP – Get Rid Of (your own) Weaknesses - Under Pressure. (Steadily, forever.)
Swallowing your gripes, then dumping them all at once – “kitchen-sink-ing” X
Playing Prosecutor or Interrogator or Persecutor X
Getting too intense X
Waving off, or dismissing as “not that big a deal”, the other’s grievances X
Trying to Win at all costs. Succeeding in winning is even more devastating X
Not letting the other know you love him/her X
Getting defensive. Withdrawing, crumbling, trying to defend yourself X
Getting aggressive. Being critical, fault-finding, hurtfully-jabbing, nasty, ridiculing, sarcastic, mocking, contemptuous, rude, disrespectful, unmannerly X
“Naming, blaming and/or shaming” of self or other X
“When someone is hostile, my instinct is to find out why.” – Cynthia Cooper
(When I am hostile, time to go searching inside me, past, present and future, for where this anger comes from.)
“You can get away with bad fighting habits for only so long. Once you are faced with a major crisis, if you haven’t developed good problem-solving skills, you’ll be at greater risk of troubles with your relationship.” - Sybil Carrere
“Often what you are arguing about on the surface isn’t really what the fight is about.”
- Sybil Carrere
“Although your anger feels real, it’s only temporary.” – Renee Bacher
“When you find yourself saying ‘Yes, but…’ it’s a sign that you’ve slammed your mind shut to what the other person has just said.” – Renee Bacher
“You have a choice every time you say something to each other. You can choose: to tear down your relationship or you can nurture it.” - Sybil Carrere
“Ask yourself ‘Would I talk to my best friend or my boss the way I am about to speak to my child?’ Then choose your words carefully.” - Sybil Carrere
Thank you: Cynthia Cooper, Sybil Carrere, Renee Bacher - RD - Oct 2003 p62, T - Dec 2002 p 51
Some Well Documented Better Strategies for : “Fighting Fair”:
1. Talk, talk, talk. If the situation gets ugly or unfruitful, take a ‘time-out’. Do some ‘weeding’ of your own resentments and bitterness’s and other bad habits. Talk again – as soon as you both can. “It is better to debate an issue and not settle it than to settle an issue and not debate it”.
2. Try until you succeed. Accurately get to understanding your own, and the other’s, feelings, significance, and point of view. This may take years.
3. Be increasingly sensitive and honest about your own and the other’s feelings and hidden agendas – work gently and respectfully, respectably. Develop a genuine interest in your own and the other’s feelings and point of view.
4. Come clean. Your true cause and motive for your feud? Seek the other’s deep reasons for the conflict. “What am I/are you afraid of?” “What might be the fear?”
5. Ask yourself (and maybe the other) “Is this productive?” “Now?”
6. Stick to the point at hand. If you want to discuss other things, do it later.
7. Try something (anything!) different – get out of your ‘repetitive cycles’ and unproductive patterns “If you keep on doing what you have always done, you will keep on getting what you have always got”.
8. Stay connected. Get connected again, when you can, if your ‘connection’ has frayed. Introduce some positives, and make some ‘deposits’ into your relationship.
9. Find ways to nurture your relationship mid-dispute, creatively.
10. Let your child know by your big and small actions, between disputes, how much they are genuinely respected, cared about, listened to, loved.
11. After discussion, find Compromises that please you both – keep working toward compromises – however long it takes
12. Co-exist (“agree to disagree, agreeably”) for as long as you have to
13. Collaborate more and more – celebrate your differences. Make them work increasingly FOR you instead of AGAINST you – turn your defeats into victories. “Two heads are better than one.” “We are a magnificent team.”
14. Work towards WIN/WIN situations and let go of the lose/win and the win/lose. These are usually personal and relationship losses.
15. Keep conflict-avoidance to a minimum. Have regular, small, gentle clean-outs of ‘issues’. “How are you doing? Do we have anything to clear up?”
16. Promise yourself not to dismiss gripes “If this is important to you, it’s important to me too. I want to understand you and how this looks to you.”
17. Take a breather. Rephrase. What are you hearing? Work on your own approach. If you get stuck the same way, over and over, ask someone you trust and respect for some ideas. Keep searching until you find what works for you.
18. Cultivate your own problem-solving, mild, appropriate sense of humour.
19. Breathe deeply, regularly. Strong emotions need lots of oxygenated blood flowing to the body and brain-in-stress.
20. GROW UP – Get Rid Of (your own) Weaknesses - Under Pressure. (Steadily, forever.)
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