We may often be of great help to our children if our timing is correct.
Help offered prematurely may cut off communication before the real problem is found.
Giving support and genuine reassurance is appropriate AFTER "reflecting feelings" has run it's course and both we, and they, fully understand the actual problem. (Reminds me of "Come let US reason together that YE may understand...")
Premature, or false, reassurance is OUR attempt to guarantee our child will be successful or happy without THEIR "paying their price".
Genuine reassurance, properly timed, is an expression of our love and our confidence in our child.
Suggesting ways to solve their problem and offering personal and family resources may help if, and when, he or she is receptive. Our suggestions may also create 'dependency' and take away 'responsibility'.
Each of our efforts to help must be carefully evaluated to determine whether or not they will promote "growth" and "maturity".
It is our duty, as parents, to create a climate of acceptance and trust so that our children freely seek our counsel rather than resist it.
From "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED: If you fail to plan and prepare, you ARE preparing and planning to fail. I love my four children! I would have liked to parent them better. This is some of what I wish I had been able to know thirty or forty years ago! I hope this helps my younger friends.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Communication: Your Part - Reflect MORE Feelings
When you correctly describe your child's feelings, your child may send you another code. As the process continues, your child moves step-by-step to a deeper level of communication.
Reflecting feelings is like a mirror, not an echo chamber. Simply parroting or echoing your child's words is not helpful. Summarising, and reflecting their feelings to them is.
Your child then sees themself more accurately and is frequently able to solve his/her own problems. When he or she DOES need your help with a problem, they will be much more receptive if they feel, from past experience, that you truly understand most of the time.
Your child needs to feel UNDERSTOOD before they will be able, and willing, to understand what YOU are saying to him/her.
If WE do not clearly understand our children, WE distort the image WE reflect back to them of themselves, and THEY gather wrong concepts about themselves.
"See what I made! See what I made Dad..." says your son...
Your reply 1: Dad ignores the statement and says "I'm busy, don't bother me now"
Your child will think "I'm not important; I'm not interesting; I'm a bother; I am not much good am I?"
Your reply 2: "Oh yes... I see you made that yourself? Why didn't you saw it off straight?"
Your child will think "I can't do anything right. I must not be much good."
Your reply 3: "You made that all by yourself? You seem proud that you could do it."
Your child will think "I must be good. I can do something by myself!"
Try it! Then try again... "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again!"
Practice makes perfect...
Your child is learning to be a whole and wholesome infant/todler/child/adolescent.
You learn to be a whole and wholesome parent.
From "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Reflecting feelings is like a mirror, not an echo chamber. Simply parroting or echoing your child's words is not helpful. Summarising, and reflecting their feelings to them is.
Your child then sees themself more accurately and is frequently able to solve his/her own problems. When he or she DOES need your help with a problem, they will be much more receptive if they feel, from past experience, that you truly understand most of the time.
Your child needs to feel UNDERSTOOD before they will be able, and willing, to understand what YOU are saying to him/her.
If WE do not clearly understand our children, WE distort the image WE reflect back to them of themselves, and THEY gather wrong concepts about themselves.
"See what I made! See what I made Dad..." says your son...
Your reply 1: Dad ignores the statement and says "I'm busy, don't bother me now"
Your child will think "I'm not important; I'm not interesting; I'm a bother; I am not much good am I?"
Your reply 2: "Oh yes... I see you made that yourself? Why didn't you saw it off straight?"
Your child will think "I can't do anything right. I must not be much good."
Your reply 3: "You made that all by yourself? You seem proud that you could do it."
Your child will think "I must be good. I can do something by myself!"
Try it! Then try again... "If at first you don't succeed, try, try, try again!"
Practice makes perfect...
Your child is learning to be a whole and wholesome infant/todler/child/adolescent.
You learn to be a whole and wholesome parent.
From "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Communication: Your Part - Reflect Feelings
Reflective listening is the big brother of Summarizing.
When your child is talking, listen for their feelings and emotions.
They may not say the feeling words... but they will display their feelings in body, facial expression or eye language. They will also likely express their feelings and emotions in tone of voice, or pace or forcefulness of speaking.
"Is my child sad, hurt, afraid?"
"Might this be embarassment, worry or disappointment?"
"Does my teenager look or sound frustrated?"
"If I were my child, experiencing these things now, how might I possibly feel?"
Recognising, describing, and labelling feelings expressed by our children increases their self-awareness and broadens our, and their, human experience (Emotional Intelligence). This level of intelligence results in deeper, more meaningful communication. It strengthens and fosters our, and their, emotional health.
If you can't determine what the feeling you are seeing and hearing might be... guess. Reflect your guess to your child "I guess you might be feeling annoyed about that?"
If you have guessed inacurately, your child will likely correct you "No, not quite annoyed, I am more uncertain than annoyed." You will both have learnt something more about your child.
Be a brave, sincerely interested parent as often as you can.
Be a brave and sincerely interested parent more often than you used to be and less often than you presently practice to become in the future!
Adapted from "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
When your child is talking, listen for their feelings and emotions.
They may not say the feeling words... but they will display their feelings in body, facial expression or eye language. They will also likely express their feelings and emotions in tone of voice, or pace or forcefulness of speaking.
"Is my child sad, hurt, afraid?"
"Might this be embarassment, worry or disappointment?"
"Does my teenager look or sound frustrated?"
"If I were my child, experiencing these things now, how might I possibly feel?"
Recognising, describing, and labelling feelings expressed by our children increases their self-awareness and broadens our, and their, human experience (Emotional Intelligence). This level of intelligence results in deeper, more meaningful communication. It strengthens and fosters our, and their, emotional health.
If you can't determine what the feeling you are seeing and hearing might be... guess. Reflect your guess to your child "I guess you might be feeling annoyed about that?"
If you have guessed inacurately, your child will likely correct you "No, not quite annoyed, I am more uncertain than annoyed." You will both have learnt something more about your child.
Be a brave, sincerely interested parent as often as you can.
Be a brave and sincerely interested parent more often than you used to be and less often than you presently practice to become in the future!
Adapted from "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Saturday, December 6, 2008
Communicating: Now for Your Part - Summarize
SUMMARIZE - Let them know you heard their important information and feelings.
SUMMARIZE - content - theirs
SUMMARIZE - feelings - theirs
If you do it well they will carry on talking.
If you do it well you will have been consentrating on them
If you do it well you will use words like:
"Now let me see if I have understood you... You said... you felt..."
"This is what I am gathering so far... (content and feelings)"
Listening carefully enough to be able to summarize what they say shows acceptance, builds confidence, and greatly improves communication.
Next time you have a discussion with someone about religion or politics - or other controversial subject - practice summarizing your oponent's content and feelings... See the positive effect your summary has on the person who is speaking. He/she may be willing to listen to your opinion and point of view.
SUMMARIZE - content - theirs
SUMMARIZE - feelings - theirs
If you do it well they will carry on talking.
If you do it well you will have been consentrating on them
If you do it well you will use words like:
"Now let me see if I have understood you... You said... you felt..."
"This is what I am gathering so far... (content and feelings)"
Listening carefully enough to be able to summarize what they say shows acceptance, builds confidence, and greatly improves communication.
Next time you have a discussion with someone about religion or politics - or other controversial subject - practice summarizing your oponent's content and feelings... See the positive effect your summary has on the person who is speaking. He/she may be willing to listen to your opinion and point of view.
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Listening... Keep Quieter
Be interested.
Listen quietly and calmly.
Be interested!
Let your attitude of interest radiate.
Be interested.
A nod of the head.
Be interested.
Soft, loving, interested, thoughtful eye contact.
Be interested.
Full attention.
Be interested...
Face directly.
BRIEFLY acknowledge what is said - summarise.
(You don't have to agree or disagree yet...
you need him/her to gradually fully "get" that
you DO understand
what he/she is trying to
get you to understand!)
"So you're telling me..."
"You want me to understand that..."
Encourage more telling:
Simple, short statements.
"Uh-huh"
"Yes, I see"
"Oh yes!"
"You bet!"
"Tell me more"
"Really?"
Communicate YOUR interest.
Give recognition to what your child is saying.
"I love you. Carry on..."
Open the doors of communication between you.
"I want to understand. What was next?"
Encourage communication.
"Wow... and then?"
Use leading, enquiring-to-understand (not prying) questions...
Ask them moderately, interestedly (not accusingly, afraid-ly)
"Tell me more about your feelings about school?"
"How do you mean...?"
"Explain to me again..."
"Can you give me more details?"
"How did/do you feel?"
All this to communicate that you care and are interested in them, and their life!
"Seek first to understand... and then... to be understood." Stephen R Covey
Next time... More about your part of the discussion - seeking to be understood.
Basically from: "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Listen quietly and calmly.
Be interested!
Let your attitude of interest radiate.
Be interested.
A nod of the head.
Be interested.
Soft, loving, interested, thoughtful eye contact.
Be interested.
Full attention.
Be interested...
Face directly.
BRIEFLY acknowledge what is said - summarise.
(You don't have to agree or disagree yet...
you need him/her to gradually fully "get" that
you DO understand
what he/she is trying to
get you to understand!)
"So you're telling me..."
"You want me to understand that..."
Encourage more telling:
Simple, short statements.
"Uh-huh"
"Yes, I see"
"Oh yes!"
"You bet!"
"Tell me more"
"Really?"
Communicate YOUR interest.
Give recognition to what your child is saying.
"I love you. Carry on..."
Open the doors of communication between you.
"I want to understand. What was next?"
Encourage communication.
"Wow... and then?"
Use leading, enquiring-to-understand (not prying) questions...
Ask them moderately, interestedly (not accusingly, afraid-ly)
"Tell me more about your feelings about school?"
"How do you mean...?"
"Explain to me again..."
"Can you give me more details?"
"How did/do you feel?"
All this to communicate that you care and are interested in them, and their life!
"Seek first to understand... and then... to be understood." Stephen R Covey
Next time... More about your part of the discussion - seeking to be understood.
Basically from: "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Monday, November 17, 2008
Listen
Threads
Listen.
In every office (home) you hear the threads
of love and joy and fear and guilt,
the cries for celebration and reassurance,
and somehow you know that
connecting those threads
is what you’re supposed to do
and business (home life) takes care of itself.
(David Whyte)
Listen.
In every office (home) you hear the threads
of love and joy and fear and guilt,
the cries for celebration and reassurance,
and somehow you know that
connecting those threads
is what you’re supposed to do
and business (home life) takes care of itself.
(David Whyte)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
How TO Listen
Listening
You are not listening to me
When you do not care about me…
When you say you understand before you know me well,
When you have an answer for my problem before I have finished telling you what my problem is,
When you cut me off before I have finished speaking,
When you feel critical about my vocabulary, grammar or accent,
When you tell me about your experience making mine seem unimportant,
When you are communicating to someone else in the room,
When you refuse my thanks by saying you haven’t really done anything.
YOU are LISTENING to ME…
When you come quietly into my private world and let me be;
When you really try to understand me even if I am not making sense;
When you grasp my point of view when it is against your own sincere convictions;
When you realize that the hour I took from you has left you a bit tired and drained;
When you allow me the dignity of making my own decisions even though you think they may be wrong;
When you do not take my problem from me, but allow me to deal with it in my own way;
When you hold your desire to give me good advice;
When you do not offer me religious solace when you sense I am not ready for it;
When you give me enough room to discover for myself what is really going on;
When you accept my gift of gratitude by telling me how good you feel to know you have been helpful.
I received this MANY years ago (22?) when I was first training as a counsellor at FAMSA (Family and Marriage Society of South Africa) - I do not know who to credit with it.
You are not listening to me
When you do not care about me…
When you say you understand before you know me well,
When you have an answer for my problem before I have finished telling you what my problem is,
When you cut me off before I have finished speaking,
When you feel critical about my vocabulary, grammar or accent,
When you tell me about your experience making mine seem unimportant,
When you are communicating to someone else in the room,
When you refuse my thanks by saying you haven’t really done anything.
YOU are LISTENING to ME…
When you come quietly into my private world and let me be;
When you really try to understand me even if I am not making sense;
When you grasp my point of view when it is against your own sincere convictions;
When you realize that the hour I took from you has left you a bit tired and drained;
When you allow me the dignity of making my own decisions even though you think they may be wrong;
When you do not take my problem from me, but allow me to deal with it in my own way;
When you hold your desire to give me good advice;
When you do not offer me religious solace when you sense I am not ready for it;
When you give me enough room to discover for myself what is really going on;
When you accept my gift of gratitude by telling me how good you feel to know you have been helpful.
I received this MANY years ago (22?) when I was first training as a counsellor at FAMSA (Family and Marriage Society of South Africa) - I do not know who to credit with it.
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