Three perspectives:
ONE:
Let me grow as I be,
And try to understand why I want to grow like me,
Not like my Mom wants me to be,
Nor like my Dad hopes I’ll be,
Please try to understand and help me to grow just like me!
- Bordeaux Primary School newsletter of many years ago
TWO:
All children have the right to:
a name,
enough food to eat and
a decent place to live.
All children have the right to:
grow up with love,
affection and
security.
All children have the right to:
be looked after when they are sick.
All children have the right to play.
All children have the right:
unselfishly to love God,
to love themselves,
to love other people,
and to love animals
and plants.
All children have the right to:
a free education,
and handicapped children have the right to special treatment and education.
All children have the right to:
refuse to go to work before a reasonable age.
All children have the right to:
PROTECTION against
neglect,
cruelty,
abuse,
exploitation
and discrimination.
All children have the right to a happy childhood.
- Children’s Bill of Rights
THREE:
RIGHTS OF A CHILD IN SOUTH AFRICA
The right to grow
The right to play
The right to imagination and culture
The right to warmth
The right to worth
The right to childhood
The right to a future
- Saturday Star April 2, 2005
BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED: If you fail to plan and prepare, you ARE preparing and planning to fail. I love my four children! I would have liked to parent them better. This is some of what I wish I had been able to know thirty or forty years ago! I hope this helps my younger friends.
Friday, August 29, 2008
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Anger - Recognise it and deal with it
"Anger is a mask. It hides Hurt, Sadness or Fear." - Christa Chidrawi
"Hurt, Fear, Frustration equals ANGER. - Dr Phil McGraw
"Anger can be "inward" (self harming/destructing); or "outward" (damaging person/property, or using words as ammunition to hurt, intimidate or destroy.) - Judy Bray
"When you are angry, go and chop some wood." - Louisa May Alcott
"Feelings like happiness and sadness, fear and anger are all part of being alive and being you. Go ahead and feel your feelings. It's good to be you! Treat them (your feelings) with respect, and also, not too much respect.
"You might think it is bad to be angry, but that's not true.
It's normal to feel angry when you think you, or others, are not being treated fairly.
"It's HOW YOU SHOW your anger that can sometimes be a problem for you and those around you.
"Mad isn't bad. Mad can even be good. Anger is like fire.
Fire is good when it keeps us warm and helps us cook food. But fire can harm and destroy when it gets out of control.
"Anger can be good when it makes you want to do something about a bad situation.
"Angry words can hurt as much as hitting.
"Just because you or someone else is angry, doesn't mean you don't still love each other."
"You might need to say or hear "I love you." Then talk with each other about why you are angry.
"Things that aren't important to you cannot make you angry. Let others know, respectably, what is important to you." - Michaeline Mundy
Here is how anger builds:
Build up of "unpleasant" from within or without or both -->
frustration -->
anger -->
tension -->
discharge... ANGER!
"CHOOSE how you discharge your anger!
Let your anger refine you, make you a better, stronger person...
NO - Harm to self or others or property.
YES - Do something useful and constructive with your anger energy.
YES - Take some Time Out. Relax. Play. Unwind. Dream. Listen to Music.
YES - Exercize brain, body and/or spirit.
YES - Cry. Grieve. Pray. Think. Talk. Plan.
YES - Forgive yourself and other/s as soon as you are able. Sort out the event.
YES - Learn about yourself and others and life. Then move forward.
Anger can make you feel like you are going to explode. Your face feels hot, you breathe faster, and your heart beats faster. Your hands want to grab, hit, or throw something, and your feet want to kick or run. Your voice wants to yell or cry.
It can help to know EXACTLY what you are 'put out' about. THINK.
Anger can give you energy to work harder to solve a problem or to get that project right.
Anger can be scary (for you or others) when you, or they, don't know how to handle it.
It's natural to want to blame someone else for making you angry. But YOU are the one who's angry, and YOU are the one who can do something about your anger - destructively or constructively, maturely or immaturely.
"Mad Isn't Bad" - Michaeline Mundy
* STOP and count to 10 (or 100!) and THINK about the better thing to do or say.
* When you are mad, SAY so! Say "I'm angry (frustrated) because..." or "I'm mad (afraid) because..." It's important to let other people know. …practice saying it without screaming, blaming, shaming or whining.
* Let people know when you're even "a little" angry. Otherwise, you may end up waiting until you are "a lot" angry. Then anger is harder for you to control. "I'm getting angry about…" "I need to take some time out."
* Punch a pillow or gym punch-bag (without hurting yourself).
* Stomp on packing bubbles or gravel or corrugated cardboard boxes or autumn leaves. Be careful not to hurt yourself.
* Scream/cry/groan intensely. Find a safe place to do this where people will not think you have lost your senses.
* Stop scaring yourself and others. Learn to be good and kind to yourself and others. If you need to be tough, find out how to to do that maturely!
* Talk to someone safe (for you and for them) about how you feel, not necessarily those involved - yet.
* Take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Take another two deep breaths. As you breathe out, huff the last of the air out of your lungs. You'll find you don't feel quite so angry (hurt, afraid, sad, frustrated). You can then think more clearly.
* Sometimes you need to practice skills you want (or need) to be better at, so you deal with your frustration more profitably in future.
* Do something different for a while.
"Patience: The art of doing something else in the meanwhile."
* It may help to write (and edit) a note to the person/s who get/s under your skin. You can send it, or not, after thinking about it - you actually want the problem solved - sending it may make the problem worse - for now.
* Think about people who handle their anger in safe and effective ways. Ask them about how they became good at dealing with their anger.
* "Did you know it's OK to be mad even with God? Go ahead and tell God the way you feel. Speak, listen, learn!" - Michaeline Mundy
* If you feel yourself getting angry a lot, talk to someone (wise and able) about it. Your anger is about you, not others.
* Not everything in life is fair. Bad things happen to good people. And it's OK to be exceedingly mad when that happens. The important thing is to find ways to be fair to yourself and others whenever you can, as soon as you can.
* Everybody gets angry sometimes. It's OK to be mad. It's the way you handle your anger that makes all the difference.
* When someone gets angry with you, listen to them. Thank them for telling you. Tell them you will think about what they said. Think about it! Decide what is true or not for you. Decide what you want to, or need to, do about it. Take your time.
* You may sometimes need to ask someone why he or she acts (or looks, or sounds) angry. You can help others to see when they are angry. Think about your most skilled way for you to handle the incident. Learn and grow from every contact with your own anger or the anger of another.
* If you hurt someone or break something say "I'm sorry." "Don't stay wrong long." Promise yourself to do better next time. Get help if you need it.
Anger is hard to deal with respectably and respectfully. You and I will be working with it, in ourselves and others around us, forever.
Never, never give up and give in and declare the growing experience useless. This world needs more and more people who know how to deal with their own anger as well as the anger of others.
See also MARRIAGE MATTERS! link and go to the Twelve Traps - The Temper Trap.
"Hurt, Fear, Frustration equals ANGER. - Dr Phil McGraw
"Anger can be "inward" (self harming/destructing); or "outward" (damaging person/property, or using words as ammunition to hurt, intimidate or destroy.) - Judy Bray
"When you are angry, go and chop some wood." - Louisa May Alcott
"Feelings like happiness and sadness, fear and anger are all part of being alive and being you. Go ahead and feel your feelings. It's good to be you! Treat them (your feelings) with respect, and also, not too much respect.
"You might think it is bad to be angry, but that's not true.
It's normal to feel angry when you think you, or others, are not being treated fairly.
"It's HOW YOU SHOW your anger that can sometimes be a problem for you and those around you.
"Mad isn't bad. Mad can even be good. Anger is like fire.
Fire is good when it keeps us warm and helps us cook food. But fire can harm and destroy when it gets out of control.
"Anger can be good when it makes you want to do something about a bad situation.
"Angry words can hurt as much as hitting.
"Just because you or someone else is angry, doesn't mean you don't still love each other."
"You might need to say or hear "I love you." Then talk with each other about why you are angry.
"Things that aren't important to you cannot make you angry. Let others know, respectably, what is important to you." - Michaeline Mundy
Here is how anger builds:
Build up of "unpleasant" from within or without or both -->
frustration -->
anger -->
tension -->
discharge... ANGER!
"CHOOSE how you discharge your anger!
Let your anger refine you, make you a better, stronger person...
NO - Harm to self or others or property.
YES - Do something useful and constructive with your anger energy.
YES - Take some Time Out. Relax. Play. Unwind. Dream. Listen to Music.
YES - Exercize brain, body and/or spirit.
YES - Cry. Grieve. Pray. Think. Talk. Plan.
YES - Forgive yourself and other/s as soon as you are able. Sort out the event.
YES - Learn about yourself and others and life. Then move forward.
Anger can make you feel like you are going to explode. Your face feels hot, you breathe faster, and your heart beats faster. Your hands want to grab, hit, or throw something, and your feet want to kick or run. Your voice wants to yell or cry.
It can help to know EXACTLY what you are 'put out' about. THINK.
Anger can give you energy to work harder to solve a problem or to get that project right.
Anger can be scary (for you or others) when you, or they, don't know how to handle it.
It's natural to want to blame someone else for making you angry. But YOU are the one who's angry, and YOU are the one who can do something about your anger - destructively or constructively, maturely or immaturely.
"Mad Isn't Bad" - Michaeline Mundy
* STOP and count to 10 (or 100!) and THINK about the better thing to do or say.
* When you are mad, SAY so! Say "I'm angry (frustrated) because..." or "I'm mad (afraid) because..." It's important to let other people know. …practice saying it without screaming, blaming, shaming or whining.
* Let people know when you're even "a little" angry. Otherwise, you may end up waiting until you are "a lot" angry. Then anger is harder for you to control. "I'm getting angry about…" "I need to take some time out."
* Punch a pillow or gym punch-bag (without hurting yourself).
* Stomp on packing bubbles or gravel or corrugated cardboard boxes or autumn leaves. Be careful not to hurt yourself.
* Scream/cry/groan intensely. Find a safe place to do this where people will not think you have lost your senses.
* Stop scaring yourself and others. Learn to be good and kind to yourself and others. If you need to be tough, find out how to to do that maturely!
* Talk to someone safe (for you and for them) about how you feel, not necessarily those involved - yet.
* Take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Take another two deep breaths. As you breathe out, huff the last of the air out of your lungs. You'll find you don't feel quite so angry (hurt, afraid, sad, frustrated). You can then think more clearly.
* Sometimes you need to practice skills you want (or need) to be better at, so you deal with your frustration more profitably in future.
* Do something different for a while.
"Patience: The art of doing something else in the meanwhile."
* It may help to write (and edit) a note to the person/s who get/s under your skin. You can send it, or not, after thinking about it - you actually want the problem solved - sending it may make the problem worse - for now.
* Think about people who handle their anger in safe and effective ways. Ask them about how they became good at dealing with their anger.
* "Did you know it's OK to be mad even with God? Go ahead and tell God the way you feel. Speak, listen, learn!" - Michaeline Mundy
* If you feel yourself getting angry a lot, talk to someone (wise and able) about it. Your anger is about you, not others.
* Not everything in life is fair. Bad things happen to good people. And it's OK to be exceedingly mad when that happens. The important thing is to find ways to be fair to yourself and others whenever you can, as soon as you can.
* Everybody gets angry sometimes. It's OK to be mad. It's the way you handle your anger that makes all the difference.
* When someone gets angry with you, listen to them. Thank them for telling you. Tell them you will think about what they said. Think about it! Decide what is true or not for you. Decide what you want to, or need to, do about it. Take your time.
* You may sometimes need to ask someone why he or she acts (or looks, or sounds) angry. You can help others to see when they are angry. Think about your most skilled way for you to handle the incident. Learn and grow from every contact with your own anger or the anger of another.
* If you hurt someone or break something say "I'm sorry." "Don't stay wrong long." Promise yourself to do better next time. Get help if you need it.
Anger is hard to deal with respectably and respectfully. You and I will be working with it, in ourselves and others around us, forever.
Never, never give up and give in and declare the growing experience useless. This world needs more and more people who know how to deal with their own anger as well as the anger of others.
See also MARRIAGE MATTERS! link and go to the Twelve Traps - The Temper Trap.
Monday, August 25, 2008
Ah, There you Are...
I misplaced my joy this morning. I woke up to find it missing like a set of lost keys. I started looking for it everywhere. I looked for it in the morning paper. It wasn't there. I looked for it in my books. It wasn't there. I looked for it in some music. It wasn't there. I looked for it while I ate breakfast, got the kids ready for school, and headed out the door this morning, but I couldn't find it anywhere.
When I finally got back home I decided to take a walk. I thought that if I couldn't find my joy then at least I could get some exercise. The last leaves of Autumn were thickly covering the ground. I walked for awhile on this beautiful, crunchy carpet and breathed in the fresh, cool air. It was so peaceful and wonderful. After walking for a bit I stopped and smiled. I suddenly knew where to look. I glanced down and saw my joy peeking up at me from deep inside my soul. It had been sitting there right next to my love and God's love just waiting for me to find it. "Ah, there you are," I said. Then I laughed at myself for not knowing where to look all along.
It is amazing how we so often look for joy in every single place except the only place where it can truly be found, within ourselves. We are like a person running around searching for the glasses that are perched on the top of his head. We need to stop the search. We need to look deep into our souls and see the joy that has been sitting there all along. It isn't hidden and it isn't hard to find. It is there shining brightly right next to God's love and our love. It is just waiting for us to smile down and say, "Ah, there you are."
Reach down and grab that joy today. Choose it, rejoice in it, and live in it. Take it along with your love and God's love and share it with the world. And if you ever misplace it again remember where to look for it first.
By: Joseph J. Mazzella
When I finally got back home I decided to take a walk. I thought that if I couldn't find my joy then at least I could get some exercise. The last leaves of Autumn were thickly covering the ground. I walked for awhile on this beautiful, crunchy carpet and breathed in the fresh, cool air. It was so peaceful and wonderful. After walking for a bit I stopped and smiled. I suddenly knew where to look. I glanced down and saw my joy peeking up at me from deep inside my soul. It had been sitting there right next to my love and God's love just waiting for me to find it. "Ah, there you are," I said. Then I laughed at myself for not knowing where to look all along.
It is amazing how we so often look for joy in every single place except the only place where it can truly be found, within ourselves. We are like a person running around searching for the glasses that are perched on the top of his head. We need to stop the search. We need to look deep into our souls and see the joy that has been sitting there all along. It isn't hidden and it isn't hard to find. It is there shining brightly right next to God's love and our love. It is just waiting for us to smile down and say, "Ah, there you are."
Reach down and grab that joy today. Choose it, rejoice in it, and live in it. Take it along with your love and God's love and share it with the world. And if you ever misplace it again remember where to look for it first.
By: Joseph J. Mazzella
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Abuse
Abuse – Illegitimate use of Position, Power and Control
*Abuse may be intentional, vicious and violent. Some may be inadvertent, clumsy, ignorant and unknowing.
*ALL ABUSE IS WRONG. If I commit it, it is wrong! If another commits it, it is wrong!
*All of us are responsible to do what is necessary to identify abuse, discover how to deal with it in ourselves, and discover how to effectively intervene on behalf of those who are less able than we are, with or without official help.
*All of us deserve respect, kindness, care and attention... both the offended and the offenders. Consult with those who know more than you do how best to be effective. Learn. Be part of the force for change for the better.
Physical:
Twisting, tripping, biting, pushing, shoving, hitting.
Scratching, jabbing, poking.
Punching, pinching, kicking, grabbing.
Slapping, choking, pulling hair/ears/limbs.
Using a weapon/object to inflict harm and pain.
Beating, whipping, throwing around, shaking, banging.
Tickling, beyond light, fleeting tickling.
Tickling after being asked to stop.
Burning.
Restraining unreasonably.
Depriving of touch.
Cruelty to children/animals.
Threatening:
-To do something to hurt physically and/or emotionally.
-To kill, or to have killed.
-To abandon, to leave and not come back.
-To take away people or things.
-To commit suicide, or to injure self.
-To report to family or friends, church, school or state authorities.
Gender Privilege:
Treating the other gender as worthless/inadequate.
Making decisions without discussion.
Acting dictatorially like the “king” ”queen” “boss”.
Treating the other gender like a slave/servant.
Adult Position:
Making the other parent feel guilty about the children.
Using children to pass on messages from you to another adult.
Using your way of parenting to harass or hurt another.
Favouring one child over other siblings.
Unfair punishment, over strictness.
Showing of harmful videos/television/books/magazines/internet etc
Making children take on adult responsibilities.
Putting children in the middle of adult fights.
Forcing excessive work.
Forcing children/teenagers/young adults to date/mate those adults choose.
Expecting/demanding faultlessness, perfection.
Always claiming to be right "I'm telling you the truth".
Making fun of another's behaviour.
Not taking another seriously.
Shifting responsibility - blaming the other for your behaviour.
Intimidation:
Putting another in a state of fear by looks, actions, gestures.
Loud voice, smashing things, destroying property.
Screaming, shouting.
Frightening by unexpected actions or noises.
Forcing another to watch beatings.
Rushing someone to make decisions.
Making uninvited visits or calls.
Use of physical size to intimidate.
Preventing another from leaving the room/house.
Driving recklessly.
Isolation:
Controlling what another does, whom they are permitted to see.
Controlling whom another may talk to, and where they may go.
Cruel or degrading confinement.
Preventing another from private and public transport.
Preventing or making it difficult to keep contact with family/friends.
Monitoring phone calls.
Abusing trust and Breaking promises:
Cheating on your partner/family.
Not following through with agreements.
Not taking a fair share of responsibility.
Refusing to help with the work of parenting/housework.
Emotional/Verbal:
“Putting down”, anger, constant criticism, insulting, rejecting.
Telling someone exactly what to do/not to do.
Saying or doing things that make another feel bad about themselves.
Calling another names that humiliate, confuse or hurt.
Saying you wish they were dead.
Silent treatment, refusing to communicate. Ignoring. Sulking.
Manipulating, causing guilt feelings - 'guilt tripping'.
Making and breaking promises repeatedly.
Sadistic making fun of, teasing and/or tricks.
Humiliating/taunting/mocking/shaming another.
Making another think they are going crazy, or are already crazy.
Playing “Persecutor” “Rescuer” and/or “Victim” mind-games.
Not allowing any privacy.
Forcing another to keep “secrets”.
Blaming another for all the couple/family or other problems.
Ignoring, or not believing, or disregarding when someone says “No”.
Abusing or misusing the trust placed in you.
Withholding legitimate compliments, guidance, support and encouragement.
Interrupting.
Changing the topic.
Not listening/not responding.
Twisting meaning of words.
Saying bad things about friends and family.
Withholding information.
Spiritual:
Spiritual leaders (including spouse and parents) telling another what God would have them do/not do – which is not what He would say, or the way He would say it.
Economic:
Keeping another from getting a job if they want to work.
Ensuring that another loses their job if you don’t want them to work.
Making another ask/beg for money to which they are reasonably entitled.
Withholding food, clothing, necessities, money.
Giving a paltry allowance whilst being lavish with yourself.
Taking/stealing money that belongs to another.
Interfering at the place of employment.
Educational:
Failing to send children to school in accordance with laws.
Failing to reasonably enable them to have positive educational experiences.
Medical:
Withholding medical attention.
Withholding medicines.
Medicating to make the other dependent/compliant.
Residential:
Locking legitimate house occupants out of their home.
Changing the locks to keep residents out of their home.
Taking away, or “losing”, another’s keys.
Sexual:
Making another do any sexual things they don’t want to.
Physically attacking the sexual parts of another’s body.
Treating another as a sex object.
Sexual Harassment. Sexual shaming.
Inflicting pain associated with sexuality.
Unlawful sexual relations.
Any sexually stimulating behaviour outside of marriage.
Sexually inappropriate language.
Neglect:
Physical personal neglect.
Leaving children alone for hours on end without supervision.
Neglect of any in your care.
Non-supervision.
Abandonment:
Simply leaving and not coming back.
Self-Destructive Behaviour:
Abusing drugs/alcohol/medication.
Threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm.
Saying or doing things that will have negative consequences.
*When abuse happens repeatedly,
attempts to please, pacify, or reason with the offender
seldom stop the behaviour.
*Apologies and promises by the abuser
seldom signal the end of the abuse.
*Frequently evaluate your communication and treatment of others, and theirs with you.
*Affirm your own worth.
*Affirm the fundamental worth of each and every other.
*Believe that you have the right to think, feel and make choices for yourself.
And so do all others have that right too.
*Train those you are responsible to, and responsible for,
to know for themselves what their rights and responsibilities are
and to increasingly be assertive and responsible.
*Know that you can ask for help. Talk to someone you trust.
Keep talking until the situation is remedied.
***Do I allow little things to annoy me,
resulting in any of the above verbal or non-verbal forms of abuse?
***Do I become frustrated and make hurtful comments
even though I understand that
the other to whom I am speaking is NOT responsible
for MY angry feelings – I am?
My, or others’, unkind behaviour and hurtful comments
that grow out of our disappointments and dissatisfactions
may be early signs of impending escalating
harmful behaviour to self or others.
If not identified and corrected early,
unkind behaviour patterns and comments
can escalate into of more serious offences.
With constant, careful effort those involved CAN eliminate these behaviours and comments.
Marriage, family and relationship peace and satisfaction is possible,
when “the rules of the healthy marriage and family game” are followed.
Use thoughts, words and actions that protect, help and build, not harm and intimidate.
From: P Carnes, R Woods, R Fait, L Fauneaur, “Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse”, “Spouse Abuse”, NISAA Institute for Women's development.
*Abuse may be intentional, vicious and violent. Some may be inadvertent, clumsy, ignorant and unknowing.
*ALL ABUSE IS WRONG. If I commit it, it is wrong! If another commits it, it is wrong!
*All of us are responsible to do what is necessary to identify abuse, discover how to deal with it in ourselves, and discover how to effectively intervene on behalf of those who are less able than we are, with or without official help.
*All of us deserve respect, kindness, care and attention... both the offended and the offenders. Consult with those who know more than you do how best to be effective. Learn. Be part of the force for change for the better.
Physical:
Twisting, tripping, biting, pushing, shoving, hitting.
Scratching, jabbing, poking.
Punching, pinching, kicking, grabbing.
Slapping, choking, pulling hair/ears/limbs.
Using a weapon/object to inflict harm and pain.
Beating, whipping, throwing around, shaking, banging.
Tickling, beyond light, fleeting tickling.
Tickling after being asked to stop.
Burning.
Restraining unreasonably.
Depriving of touch.
Cruelty to children/animals.
Threatening:
-To do something to hurt physically and/or emotionally.
-To kill, or to have killed.
-To abandon, to leave and not come back.
-To take away people or things.
-To commit suicide, or to injure self.
-To report to family or friends, church, school or state authorities.
Gender Privilege:
Treating the other gender as worthless/inadequate.
Making decisions without discussion.
Acting dictatorially like the “king” ”queen” “boss”.
Treating the other gender like a slave/servant.
Adult Position:
Making the other parent feel guilty about the children.
Using children to pass on messages from you to another adult.
Using your way of parenting to harass or hurt another.
Favouring one child over other siblings.
Unfair punishment, over strictness.
Showing of harmful videos/television/books/magazines/internet etc
Making children take on adult responsibilities.
Putting children in the middle of adult fights.
Forcing excessive work.
Forcing children/teenagers/young adults to date/mate those adults choose.
Expecting/demanding faultlessness, perfection.
Always claiming to be right "I'm telling you the truth".
Making fun of another's behaviour.
Not taking another seriously.
Shifting responsibility - blaming the other for your behaviour.
Intimidation:
Putting another in a state of fear by looks, actions, gestures.
Loud voice, smashing things, destroying property.
Screaming, shouting.
Frightening by unexpected actions or noises.
Forcing another to watch beatings.
Rushing someone to make decisions.
Making uninvited visits or calls.
Use of physical size to intimidate.
Preventing another from leaving the room/house.
Driving recklessly.
Isolation:
Controlling what another does, whom they are permitted to see.
Controlling whom another may talk to, and where they may go.
Cruel or degrading confinement.
Preventing another from private and public transport.
Preventing or making it difficult to keep contact with family/friends.
Monitoring phone calls.
Abusing trust and Breaking promises:
Cheating on your partner/family.
Not following through with agreements.
Not taking a fair share of responsibility.
Refusing to help with the work of parenting/housework.
Emotional/Verbal:
“Putting down”, anger, constant criticism, insulting, rejecting.
Telling someone exactly what to do/not to do.
Saying or doing things that make another feel bad about themselves.
Calling another names that humiliate, confuse or hurt.
Saying you wish they were dead.
Silent treatment, refusing to communicate. Ignoring. Sulking.
Manipulating, causing guilt feelings - 'guilt tripping'.
Making and breaking promises repeatedly.
Sadistic making fun of, teasing and/or tricks.
Humiliating/taunting/mocking/shaming another.
Making another think they are going crazy, or are already crazy.
Playing “Persecutor” “Rescuer” and/or “Victim” mind-games.
Not allowing any privacy.
Forcing another to keep “secrets”.
Blaming another for all the couple/family or other problems.
Ignoring, or not believing, or disregarding when someone says “No”.
Abusing or misusing the trust placed in you.
Withholding legitimate compliments, guidance, support and encouragement.
Interrupting.
Changing the topic.
Not listening/not responding.
Twisting meaning of words.
Saying bad things about friends and family.
Withholding information.
Spiritual:
Spiritual leaders (including spouse and parents) telling another what God would have them do/not do – which is not what He would say, or the way He would say it.
Economic:
Keeping another from getting a job if they want to work.
Ensuring that another loses their job if you don’t want them to work.
Making another ask/beg for money to which they are reasonably entitled.
Withholding food, clothing, necessities, money.
Giving a paltry allowance whilst being lavish with yourself.
Taking/stealing money that belongs to another.
Interfering at the place of employment.
Educational:
Failing to send children to school in accordance with laws.
Failing to reasonably enable them to have positive educational experiences.
Medical:
Withholding medical attention.
Withholding medicines.
Medicating to make the other dependent/compliant.
Residential:
Locking legitimate house occupants out of their home.
Changing the locks to keep residents out of their home.
Taking away, or “losing”, another’s keys.
Sexual:
Making another do any sexual things they don’t want to.
Physically attacking the sexual parts of another’s body.
Treating another as a sex object.
Sexual Harassment. Sexual shaming.
Inflicting pain associated with sexuality.
Unlawful sexual relations.
Any sexually stimulating behaviour outside of marriage.
Sexually inappropriate language.
Neglect:
Physical personal neglect.
Leaving children alone for hours on end without supervision.
Neglect of any in your care.
Non-supervision.
Abandonment:
Simply leaving and not coming back.
Self-Destructive Behaviour:
Abusing drugs/alcohol/medication.
Threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm.
Saying or doing things that will have negative consequences.
*When abuse happens repeatedly,
attempts to please, pacify, or reason with the offender
seldom stop the behaviour.
*Apologies and promises by the abuser
seldom signal the end of the abuse.
*Frequently evaluate your communication and treatment of others, and theirs with you.
*Affirm your own worth.
*Affirm the fundamental worth of each and every other.
*Believe that you have the right to think, feel and make choices for yourself.
And so do all others have that right too.
*Train those you are responsible to, and responsible for,
to know for themselves what their rights and responsibilities are
and to increasingly be assertive and responsible.
*Know that you can ask for help. Talk to someone you trust.
Keep talking until the situation is remedied.
***Do I allow little things to annoy me,
resulting in any of the above verbal or non-verbal forms of abuse?
***Do I become frustrated and make hurtful comments
even though I understand that
the other to whom I am speaking is NOT responsible
for MY angry feelings – I am?
My, or others’, unkind behaviour and hurtful comments
that grow out of our disappointments and dissatisfactions
may be early signs of impending escalating
harmful behaviour to self or others.
If not identified and corrected early,
unkind behaviour patterns and comments
can escalate into of more serious offences.
With constant, careful effort those involved CAN eliminate these behaviours and comments.
Marriage, family and relationship peace and satisfaction is possible,
when “the rules of the healthy marriage and family game” are followed.
Use thoughts, words and actions that protect, help and build, not harm and intimidate.
From: P Carnes, R Woods, R Fait, L Fauneaur, “Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse”, “Spouse Abuse”, NISAA Institute for Women's development.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Some Rules
Some Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School
Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No 1.
Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it’s not fair. (See Rule No 1)
Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice-president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
Rule No.4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ‘til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure (a secure job), so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask how you feel about it.
Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life.” and “You’re not the boss of me.” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your time. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic they are. And by the way, before you save the rain forests from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try de-lousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feeling be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No’s 1,2 and 4)
Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rules No. 1 and 2)
Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. You life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Anniston.
Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself “ with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Rule No. 14: Enjoy this (your life) while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.
Original Text by Charles J Sykes – San Diego Tribune – 19 Sept 1996
Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No 1.
Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it’s not fair. (See Rule No 1)
Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice-president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
Rule No.4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ‘til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure (a secure job), so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask how you feel about it.
Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life.” and “You’re not the boss of me.” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your time. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic they are. And by the way, before you save the rain forests from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try de-lousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feeling be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No’s 1,2 and 4)
Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rules No. 1 and 2)
Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. You life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Anniston.
Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself “ with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Rule No. 14: Enjoy this (your life) while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.
Original Text by Charles J Sykes – San Diego Tribune – 19 Sept 1996
Deception and Lying
Teens: Deception and Lying
When someone is deceiving and lying to you, they are hiding themselves from you. You don’t know the real person you are dealing with. Your teen is not present with you. And that is not good.
Three common reasons for teen deception and lying:
FEAR: He is afraid to be honest. He may be scared to disappoint you or a friend. He may be afraid of your anger, or that you will pull away from him.
He may fear that the truth will interfere with love – the relationship.
Ask him if you are not allowing him be his real self. Ask if you are controlling his life so much that he is afraid to have freedom or secrets.
Let him know you may not agree with him, but that, no matter what, you are on the same side.
Tell him you want him to have love, increasing space and greater freedom.
DOUBLE BINDS: You have expectations that are unreasonable and whichever choices he makes he cannot win – he loses.
Example: John is told he cannot hang around with Steven. Steven is a bad influence on John. John agreed to abide by the restriction.
Not long after that a group of friends got together. John was in the group, and so was Steven. John felt weird and embarrassed about walking away from the group to keep his agreement with his parent, so he didn’t do anything about it, nor did he tell his parent the circumstances.
The parent found out. In the discussion that followed between parent and teen the adult discovered he had put his teen in a difficult situation.
After thought and more discussion the agreement was altered: John agreed not to be alone with Steven. In a group setting John was less vulnerable to Steven’s influence than when there were just the two of them.
Life is challenging enough without your unrealistic expectations and demands.
A SHORTCUT MENTALITY: Lying is easier – practical, problem-solving – in the short term… All of us have this short-cut mentality at some level – we govern it with maturity. To allow this to continue in an increasingly un-self-disciplined fashion is to allow a pattern to develop that will ruin her life.
Handling the Problem of Deception and Lying:
Take a No-Tolerance Stand.
State your position with love, tolerance and grace. He needs to understand that when deception begins, relationships end. Let him know that it is not OK and never will be OK to deceive and lie – not now and also not in the future.
Stay Connected – Even in the Problem.
“I am always for you, even when you lie. But when you deceive me it is hard to know who you are, or to believe you. I want a relationship with you, and I’m going to keep working on this with you. I want you to know that your deception gets in the way of that. When you deceive me you’re dishonest and you are distancing yourself from me.”
Love is Free – But Freedom is Earned.
To the extent that she is untruthful, she loses the freedom she desires and needs so much. Love is unconditional and freely given. Freedom and trust must be earned – so she chooses how much freedom and trust she gets. “I know you want to go out. Your lying makes it impossible to trust you. You will be going out less until I see more honesty in you.”
Give Ways to Earn Freedom.
“You can go out now, but because of your lying, you will have to phone me every hour. And also, an adult must get on the phone and verify that you are where you say you are going.” She needs to know that deception is serious and that the way to get more freedom is by slowly gaining back your trust.
Go Lightly on Confession and Heavier on Deception.
Let him know that if he breaks the agreement it will go better for him if he admits the truth rather than being caught in the lie. The consequence of deception will be much higher than the consequence of telling the truth.
Catch What You Can, But Stay Focused on the Relationship.
Don’t expect to know everything and catch everything. Don’t cause her to think you are going to monitor every second of her life – that often drives her to creative deception. Your work is to help her experience the truth that relationships and life are better when she becomes more honest.
Pray about How to Handle the Deceptions.
God designed life to work better for us when we live in the Light. “Live as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8
From Boundaries with Teens p187ff - Dr John Townsend
When someone is deceiving and lying to you, they are hiding themselves from you. You don’t know the real person you are dealing with. Your teen is not present with you. And that is not good.
Three common reasons for teen deception and lying:
FEAR: He is afraid to be honest. He may be scared to disappoint you or a friend. He may be afraid of your anger, or that you will pull away from him.
He may fear that the truth will interfere with love – the relationship.
Ask him if you are not allowing him be his real self. Ask if you are controlling his life so much that he is afraid to have freedom or secrets.
Let him know you may not agree with him, but that, no matter what, you are on the same side.
Tell him you want him to have love, increasing space and greater freedom.
DOUBLE BINDS: You have expectations that are unreasonable and whichever choices he makes he cannot win – he loses.
Example: John is told he cannot hang around with Steven. Steven is a bad influence on John. John agreed to abide by the restriction.
Not long after that a group of friends got together. John was in the group, and so was Steven. John felt weird and embarrassed about walking away from the group to keep his agreement with his parent, so he didn’t do anything about it, nor did he tell his parent the circumstances.
The parent found out. In the discussion that followed between parent and teen the adult discovered he had put his teen in a difficult situation.
After thought and more discussion the agreement was altered: John agreed not to be alone with Steven. In a group setting John was less vulnerable to Steven’s influence than when there were just the two of them.
Life is challenging enough without your unrealistic expectations and demands.
A SHORTCUT MENTALITY: Lying is easier – practical, problem-solving – in the short term… All of us have this short-cut mentality at some level – we govern it with maturity. To allow this to continue in an increasingly un-self-disciplined fashion is to allow a pattern to develop that will ruin her life.
Handling the Problem of Deception and Lying:
Take a No-Tolerance Stand.
State your position with love, tolerance and grace. He needs to understand that when deception begins, relationships end. Let him know that it is not OK and never will be OK to deceive and lie – not now and also not in the future.
Stay Connected – Even in the Problem.
“I am always for you, even when you lie. But when you deceive me it is hard to know who you are, or to believe you. I want a relationship with you, and I’m going to keep working on this with you. I want you to know that your deception gets in the way of that. When you deceive me you’re dishonest and you are distancing yourself from me.”
Love is Free – But Freedom is Earned.
To the extent that she is untruthful, she loses the freedom she desires and needs so much. Love is unconditional and freely given. Freedom and trust must be earned – so she chooses how much freedom and trust she gets. “I know you want to go out. Your lying makes it impossible to trust you. You will be going out less until I see more honesty in you.”
Give Ways to Earn Freedom.
“You can go out now, but because of your lying, you will have to phone me every hour. And also, an adult must get on the phone and verify that you are where you say you are going.” She needs to know that deception is serious and that the way to get more freedom is by slowly gaining back your trust.
Go Lightly on Confession and Heavier on Deception.
Let him know that if he breaks the agreement it will go better for him if he admits the truth rather than being caught in the lie. The consequence of deception will be much higher than the consequence of telling the truth.
Catch What You Can, But Stay Focused on the Relationship.
Don’t expect to know everything and catch everything. Don’t cause her to think you are going to monitor every second of her life – that often drives her to creative deception. Your work is to help her experience the truth that relationships and life are better when she becomes more honest.
Pray about How to Handle the Deceptions.
God designed life to work better for us when we live in the Light. “Live as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8
From Boundaries with Teens p187ff - Dr John Townsend
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
The Loving Message in a Touch
Studies of infants and children have shown repeatedly that nothing is more important to early physical and mental growth than touching.
Touching is (or maybe ‘used to be’?) the most natural thing in the world.
Our obsessive concern with cleanliness and correctness cuts into what should be the sheer pleasure, for parents and child alike, of stroking and cuddling.
All of an infant’s early communication, instinctively, is by touch. Words soon begin to accompany the actions, and the child learns to associate the two. Still later, words alone suffice for the parent and may leave the child and parents touch-deprived without even knowing it!
For example: a mother consoles a fretful infant by rocking and patting him gently. As he grows older, she pats him while murmuring encouraging words. Eventually, she simply calls out from another room “Mommy’s here, It’s OK.” Words have replaced touches, distance has replaced former physical closeness.
Except in moments of extreme crisis, we have forgotten how to ask for – or to offer – this boon of a nurturing, loving touch. We forget how it can heal the wounds of a hurt, quarrel or upset.
A mother tried reasoning with her two quarrelling daughters. When that failed, their annoyed father ordered them to be quiet, but they kept it up. It wasn’t until the extremely upset mother impulsively flung her arms about both girls and held them tightly to her that the bickering stopped.
Another family, concerned about their teenage son’s rebelliousness, tried everything they, and those they consulted with, could think of. Suddenly one day the father got up and embraced his son. The boy hugged back and both began to cry. “It’s the first time you’ve held me since I was a child,” The boy said.
“I always wanted to,” his father replied. “Believe me, I wanted to, but I was afraid you wouldn’t grow up to be a real man.”
These incidents are not unusual. Whether we can admit it or not, many of us are painfully inhibited about touching and being touched by other people – even those we love.
Often we fail to realize how this separates us from any real emotional contact with those who share our lives.
From: Fair Lady 11/73 - 2007
Purposeful touch:
Touch needed to perform some function: Help someone up or down a step.
Change a nappy. Carry a child.
Therapeutic touch:
Administer first aid or medical attention to someone. Reflexology, Aromatherapy, massage, physiotherapy etc.
Unconditional touch:
Light, fleeting, occasionally warm, patting, stroking or caressing of face and head, neck, shoulders arms and hands from the side or behind.
Glancing, warm, gentle eye contact between you, or none at all.
If the receiver pulls away, casually, and immediately, stop your touching.
Unconditional touch is often so fleeting that the other is unable to pull away before the touch is finished.
No expectations on your part, of anything from the person your are touching.
Conditional touch:
Any touch in which you are hoping for, or expecting, some sort of response, reciprocation, or compliance from the person being touched.
Frequently front-body to front-body, or face-to-face. Usually accusing, demanding or expectant eye contact.
Often firmer, sometimes rough and/or constraining, hopefully never bullying, cruel or abusive.
Soothing touch:
Comforting, stroking, or patting touch with the motive of re-assuring, soothing and relieving anxiety, distress or discomfort.
Take the challenge: experiment with, and increase your touch ability.
WARNING: Be sensitive to, and aware of, appropriateness.
Think about potential accusations or problems before you touch another.
Some people might mistake your motives and behaviour, despite all your best intentions.
Always THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.
Try touch associated with singing and rhymes.
Try touch while you are story telling.
Try touch while you are dancing, exercise or movement.
Try touch associated with water.
Try touch associated with the outdoors.
Try friendly, companionable, supportive, affirming and unconditional touch.
Touching is (or maybe ‘used to be’?) the most natural thing in the world.
Our obsessive concern with cleanliness and correctness cuts into what should be the sheer pleasure, for parents and child alike, of stroking and cuddling.
All of an infant’s early communication, instinctively, is by touch. Words soon begin to accompany the actions, and the child learns to associate the two. Still later, words alone suffice for the parent and may leave the child and parents touch-deprived without even knowing it!
For example: a mother consoles a fretful infant by rocking and patting him gently. As he grows older, she pats him while murmuring encouraging words. Eventually, she simply calls out from another room “Mommy’s here, It’s OK.” Words have replaced touches, distance has replaced former physical closeness.
Except in moments of extreme crisis, we have forgotten how to ask for – or to offer – this boon of a nurturing, loving touch. We forget how it can heal the wounds of a hurt, quarrel or upset.
A mother tried reasoning with her two quarrelling daughters. When that failed, their annoyed father ordered them to be quiet, but they kept it up. It wasn’t until the extremely upset mother impulsively flung her arms about both girls and held them tightly to her that the bickering stopped.
Another family, concerned about their teenage son’s rebelliousness, tried everything they, and those they consulted with, could think of. Suddenly one day the father got up and embraced his son. The boy hugged back and both began to cry. “It’s the first time you’ve held me since I was a child,” The boy said.
“I always wanted to,” his father replied. “Believe me, I wanted to, but I was afraid you wouldn’t grow up to be a real man.”
These incidents are not unusual. Whether we can admit it or not, many of us are painfully inhibited about touching and being touched by other people – even those we love.
Often we fail to realize how this separates us from any real emotional contact with those who share our lives.
From: Fair Lady 11/73 - 2007
Purposeful touch:
Touch needed to perform some function: Help someone up or down a step.
Change a nappy. Carry a child.
Therapeutic touch:
Administer first aid or medical attention to someone. Reflexology, Aromatherapy, massage, physiotherapy etc.
Unconditional touch:
Light, fleeting, occasionally warm, patting, stroking or caressing of face and head, neck, shoulders arms and hands from the side or behind.
Glancing, warm, gentle eye contact between you, or none at all.
If the receiver pulls away, casually, and immediately, stop your touching.
Unconditional touch is often so fleeting that the other is unable to pull away before the touch is finished.
No expectations on your part, of anything from the person your are touching.
Conditional touch:
Any touch in which you are hoping for, or expecting, some sort of response, reciprocation, or compliance from the person being touched.
Frequently front-body to front-body, or face-to-face. Usually accusing, demanding or expectant eye contact.
Often firmer, sometimes rough and/or constraining, hopefully never bullying, cruel or abusive.
Soothing touch:
Comforting, stroking, or patting touch with the motive of re-assuring, soothing and relieving anxiety, distress or discomfort.
Take the challenge: experiment with, and increase your touch ability.
WARNING: Be sensitive to, and aware of, appropriateness.
Think about potential accusations or problems before you touch another.
Some people might mistake your motives and behaviour, despite all your best intentions.
Always THINK BEFORE YOU ACT.
Try touch associated with singing and rhymes.
Try touch while you are story telling.
Try touch while you are dancing, exercise or movement.
Try touch associated with water.
Try touch associated with the outdoors.
Try friendly, companionable, supportive, affirming and unconditional touch.
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