Parental Reflecting of Your Child's Feelings

The Parental Communication Skill -
Reflecting Feelings Liberally and Content Briefly

Do you want to make your listening to your children more effective
and less painful (for you both)?

Try the basic communication skill of “reflecting”.

Listen to understand what it is like to be the child you are listening to.
Make your understanding known to your child.

Listening in this way can bring about major changes in your and your child’s personalities.

HERE IS HOW IT WORKS:

After Child says anything at all (starting a conversation or in the middle of one) with either intensity or lack of it:

Parent pauses and tries to figure out how the child is/might be feeling.

Parent reflects what they think ONE feeling of the child is.

Parent says something like

“I guess you feel … (feeling)
“You sound … (feeling)
“You look … (feeling)
“I’m wondering if you are … (feeling)

Child will likely carry on talking.

Parent repeats above:
Pause, think what one feeling might be, reflect the feeling.

Child will likely carry on speaking.

Parent repeats above again:
Pause, think what the feeling might be, reflect one feeling.

Carry on and on just reflecting one feeling at a time.

When Child seems "dried up":
(may be sooner or later depending on the child
and your hopefully increasing listening capacity)

Summarise a good sprinkling of the feelings you have already reflected, and add a brief sentence about the content of what he/she has been saying.

Say

“This is what I have understood so far – correct me if I have got it wrong:
you are/feel annoyed and frustrated and hurt and you want to hurt back
because your friend was unkind to you.”

He/she will likely start talking again.

Reflect one feeling at a time again.

Summarise again with a good sprinkling of feelings and a brief sentence of content.

Keep at this until you get good at it!
Watch a miracle unfold before your eyes.

Another part of Parental Communication Skills to come…

Parenting - Helping Parents Raise Their Children

I tuned in to BYU Television and listened to one of the "Families Under Fire" Discussions by Richard and Linda Eyre.

They mentioned their website "Values Parenting" with the description "Parenting - Helping Parents Raise Their Children".

Note in the top right hand corner of the Values Parenting website the value they work on each moth - this month is "Peaceability" month. The value for the month changes each month.

I have added this to my links on the sidebar.

Enjoy visiting there and working every day and month on your parenting - which actually never ends worlds without end...

The Battlegrounds of Parenting

Mind/Thoughts

Am I learning more and more about effective parenting ?
What do I think of my parenting?
What do I think about my children?

Prayer

Do I pray about my parenting?
Do I pray?

Temptation

Do I give in to my temptations?
Do I know what my temptations are?

Immorality

Am I a moral being?
Am I a moral parent?

Repentance

Am I repenting every day of small and great thoughts, actions and feelings?
Do I feel the acceptance of my parental repentance?

Change

Am I daily changing for the better?
Is my parenting becoming kinder and more effective?

Memory

Are my parenting memories getting less painful?
Am I making memories today that I will be glad to recall?

Perfectionism

Am I letting go of my parenting perfectionism?
Am I letting go of the illusion that I can produce a perfect child?

Put on ALL the Armour Of God - that is the only way to win on the battlegrounds of parenting.

A Most Excellent Adventure

Choose a colour - Pink, Purple, Yellow or Green.
Choose a number between 1 and 20 in that colour.
Ask the question of that colour and number.
Pass the list on to the next person and repeat.

PINK

1 What is the nicest thing a sibling ever did for you?
2 I like/liked it when my Mom…
3 I liked/liked it when my Dad…
4 Name one of the things that you do that you know irritates a family member.
5 Describe your idea of a perfect time with your family.
6 What is the funniest thing that happened to your family?
7 What is your favourite birthday memory?
8 What is your favourite Christmas memory?
9 What is the wierdest gift you ever received?
10 What would you request to eat for your birthday if you could have anything?
11 If you could meet anyone who would it be?
12 What do you most enjoy doing?
13 What would you ask which famous person?
14 What is your favourite snack? Why?
15 What is your favourite story?
16 What is frustrating for you?
17 If I was your fairy godmother/father what would you ask me for?
18 What do you think your family stands for?
19 What is your favourite piece of wisdom?
20 What advice do you have for me?

YELLOW

1 What do you like best for breakfast?
2 What is your favourite late-night food?
3 What food do you most hate? Why?
4 Who would you like to invite to your birthday celebration? Why?
5 What is the strangest thing you ever ate?
6 The most embarassing thing that ever happened to you?
7 Your favourite and least favourite study subjects?
8 If you were the principle/boss, what changes would you make?
9 I get nervous when…
10 I feel happy when…
11 Your friend hurts your feelings. What would you do?
12 What historical time would you love to live in?
13 What country would you like to visit?
14 What is your favourite flower? Why?
15 If your friends want to see a movie and you don't, what would you do?
16 If you could take anything to a "show and tell" what would it be? Tell me why.
17 What kind of movies do you like best?
18 How would you spend a million Rand?
19 What would be your personal numberplate? Why is this your choice?
20 What is your greatest regret?

PURPLE

1 What do you like about your appearance?
2 If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
3 If you could have any job in the world, what would it be?
4 What did you want to be when you were little?
5 What is your favourite book? Why?
6 What is your favourite fairy tale? Why?
7 If you could write your own book, what would it be about?
8 Describe a scary dream you had.
9 Which Olympic event would you like to compete in?
10 What's your favourite sport? Why?
11 Name a person you would love as a friend.
12 What makes you mad?
13 How do you deal with your anger?
14 Who would you choose to be on a desert/deserted island with? Why?
15 What is your favourite music? Why?
16 What is your favourite colour and why?
17 What is your favourite smell?
18 What are you most proud of?
19 What is your pleasantest sound? Why?
20 What would you like to do with half an hour?

GREEN

1 What is your favourite singer or musical group?
2 What planet would you like to visit? Why?
3 If you were the president of a planet, what is the first rule you would make?
4 If you could be invisible, what would you do?
5 Tell me a good new nick-name for you.
6 The most boring thing you can think of?
7 What talent would you most like to have? Why?
8 If there was a fire and you could grab only one thing, what would it be?
9 What were you once afraid of, but are not any more?
10 What would you do if you were in company that started gossiping about a friend who wasn't there?
11 What movie title best describes your life?
12 Your favourite time of day? Why?
13 What are your favourite clothes? Why?
14 Tell me about the nicest place you have ever lived in.
15 What do you like to do on a rainy day?
16 What is your favourite season of the year? Why?
17 What is your favourite thing to do on a Saturday?
18 How would you spend a free weekend?
19 What car would you love to drive/drive in? Why?
20 Who is the most interesting person you have met?

Rights of a child

Three perspectives:

ONE:

Let me grow as I be,
And try to understand why I want to grow like me,
Not like my Mom wants me to be,
Nor like my Dad hopes I’ll be,
Please try to understand and help me to grow just like me!

- Bordeaux Primary School newsletter of many years ago


TWO:

All children have the right to:
a name,
enough food to eat and
a decent place to live.

All children have the right to:
grow up with love,
affection and
security.

All children have the right to:
be looked after when they are sick.

All children have the right to play.

All children have the right:
unselfishly to love God,
to love themselves,
to love other people,
and to love animals
and plants.

All children have the right to:
a free education,
and handicapped children have the right to special treatment and education.

All children have the right to:
refuse to go to work before a reasonable age.

All children have the right to:
PROTECTION against
neglect,
cruelty,
abuse,
exploitation
and discrimination.

All children have the right to a happy childhood.

- Children’s Bill of Rights


THREE:

RIGHTS OF A CHILD IN SOUTH AFRICA

The right to grow
The right to play
The right to imagination and culture
The right to warmth
The right to worth
The right to childhood
The right to a future

- Saturday Star April 2, 2005

Anger - Recognise it and deal with it

"Anger is a mask. It hides Hurt, Sadness or Fear." - Christa Chidrawi

"Hurt, Fear, Frustration equals ANGER. - Dr Phil McGraw

"Anger can be "inward" (self harming/destructing); or "outward" (damaging person/property, or using words as ammunition to hurt, intimidate or destroy.) - Judy Bray

"When you are angry, go and chop some wood." - Louisa May Alcott

"Feelings like happiness and sadness, fear and anger are all part of being alive and being you. Go ahead and feel your feelings. It's good to be you! Treat them (your feelings) with respect, and also, not too much respect.

"You might think it is bad to be angry, but that's not true.
It's normal to feel angry when you think you, or others, are not being treated fairly.

"It's HOW YOU SHOW your anger that can sometimes be a problem for you and those around you.

"Mad isn't bad. Mad can even be good. Anger is like fire.
Fire is good when it keeps us warm and helps us cook food. But fire can harm and destroy when it gets out of control.

"Anger can be good when it makes you want to do something about a bad situation.

"Angry words can hurt as much as hitting.

"Just because you or someone else is angry, doesn't mean you don't still love each other."

"You might need to say or hear "I love you." Then talk with each other about why you are angry.

"Things that aren't important to you cannot make you angry. Let others know, respectably, what is important to you." - Michaeline Mundy

Here is how anger builds:

Build up of "unpleasant" from within or without or both -->

frustration -->

anger -->

tension -->

discharge... ANGER!

"CHOOSE how you discharge your anger!
Let your anger refine you, make you a better, stronger person...

NO - Harm to self or others or property.
YES - Do something useful and constructive with your anger energy.
YES - Take some Time Out. Relax. Play. Unwind. Dream. Listen to Music.
YES - Exercize brain, body and/or spirit.
YES - Cry. Grieve. Pray. Think. Talk. Plan.
YES - Forgive yourself and other/s as soon as you are able. Sort out the event.
YES - Learn about yourself and others and life. Then move forward.

Anger can make you feel like you are going to explode. Your face feels hot, you breathe faster, and your heart beats faster. Your hands want to grab, hit, or throw something, and your feet want to kick or run. Your voice wants to yell or cry.

It can help to know EXACTLY what you are 'put out' about. THINK.

Anger can give you energy to work harder to solve a problem or to get that project right.

Anger can be scary (for you or others) when you, or they, don't know how to handle it.

It's natural to want to blame someone else for making you angry. But YOU are the one who's angry, and YOU are the one who can do something about your anger - destructively or constructively, maturely or immaturely.

"Mad Isn't Bad" - Michaeline Mundy

* STOP and count to 10 (or 100!) and THINK about the better thing to do or say.

* When you are mad, SAY so! Say "I'm angry (frustrated) because..." or "I'm mad (afraid) because..." It's important to let other people know. …practice saying it without screaming, blaming, shaming or whining.

* Let people know when you're even "a little" angry. Otherwise, you may end up waiting until you are "a lot" angry. Then anger is harder for you to control. "I'm getting angry about…" "I need to take some time out."

* Punch a pillow or gym punch-bag (without hurting yourself).

* Stomp on packing bubbles or gravel or corrugated cardboard boxes or autumn leaves. Be careful not to hurt yourself.

* Scream/cry/groan intensely. Find a safe place to do this where people will not think you have lost your senses.

* Stop scaring yourself and others. Learn to be good and kind to yourself and others. If you need to be tough, find out how to to do that maturely!

* Talk to someone safe (for you and for them) about how you feel, not necessarily those involved - yet.

* Take a deep breath and then let it out slowly. Take another two deep breaths. As you breathe out, huff the last of the air out of your lungs. You'll find you don't feel quite so angry (hurt, afraid, sad, frustrated). You can then think more clearly.

* Sometimes you need to practice skills you want (or need) to be better at, so you deal with your frustration more profitably in future.

* Do something different for a while.
"Patience: The art of doing something else in the meanwhile."

* It may help to write (and edit) a note to the person/s who get/s under your skin. You can send it, or not, after thinking about it - you actually want the problem solved - sending it may make the problem worse - for now.

* Think about people who handle their anger in safe and effective ways. Ask them about how they became good at dealing with their anger.

* "Did you know it's OK to be mad even with God? Go ahead and tell God the way you feel. Speak, listen, learn!" - Michaeline Mundy

* If you feel yourself getting angry a lot, talk to someone (wise and able) about it. Your anger is about you, not others.

* Not everything in life is fair. Bad things happen to good people. And it's OK to be exceedingly mad when that happens. The important thing is to find ways to be fair to yourself and others whenever you can, as soon as you can.

* Everybody gets angry sometimes. It's OK to be mad. It's the way you handle your anger that makes all the difference.

* When someone gets angry with you, listen to them. Thank them for telling you. Tell them you will think about what they said. Think about it! Decide what is true or not for you. Decide what you want to, or need to, do about it. Take your time.

* You may sometimes need to ask someone why he or she acts (or looks, or sounds) angry. You can help others to see when they are angry. Think about your most skilled way for you to handle the incident. Learn and grow from every contact with your own anger or the anger of another.

* If you hurt someone or break something say "I'm sorry." "Don't stay wrong long." Promise yourself to do better next time. Get help if you need it.

Anger is hard to deal with respectably and respectfully. You and I will be working with it, in ourselves and others around us, forever.

Never, never give up and give in and declare the growing experience useless. This world needs more and more people who know how to deal with their own anger as well as the anger of others.

See also MARRIAGE MATTERS! link and go to the Twelve Traps - The Temper Trap.

Ah, There you Are...

I misplaced my joy this morning. I woke up to find it missing like a set of lost keys. I started looking for it everywhere. I looked for it in the morning paper. It wasn't there. I looked for it in my books. It wasn't there. I looked for it in some music. It wasn't there. I looked for it while I ate breakfast, got the kids ready for school, and headed out the door this morning, but I couldn't find it anywhere.

When I finally got back home I decided to take a walk. I thought that if I couldn't find my joy then at least I could get some exercise. The last leaves of Autumn were thickly covering the ground. I walked for awhile on this beautiful, crunchy carpet and breathed in the fresh, cool air. It was so peaceful and wonderful. After walking for a bit I stopped and smiled. I suddenly knew where to look. I glanced down and saw my joy peeking up at me from deep inside my soul. It had been sitting there right next to my love and God's love just waiting for me to find it. "Ah, there you are," I said. Then I laughed at myself for not knowing where to look all along.

It is amazing how we so often look for joy in every single place except the only place where it can truly be found, within ourselves. We are like a person running around searching for the glasses that are perched on the top of his head. We need to stop the search. We need to look deep into our souls and see the joy that has been sitting there all along. It isn't hidden and it isn't hard to find. It is there shining brightly right next to God's love and our love. It is just waiting for us to smile down and say, "Ah, there you are."

Reach down and grab that joy today. Choose it, rejoice in it, and live in it. Take it along with your love and God's love and share it with the world. And if you ever misplace it again remember where to look for it first.

By: Joseph J. Mazzella