Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light

Towards Less Stressful Parenting – “Firm, Fair, and Friendly” Model

Module 3: Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light

The “Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light” Model helps families determine what level of systems or rules to develop and implement, or relax and re-define, depending on their regularly reviewed circumstances.

The underlying principle is to attempt to get the problem resolved at the lowest intervention level possible without putting the family members at risk, or setting up any individual for failure.

The goal is to train the participants to understand what their roles are and how to work with others.

Basic premises:

A Every parent and child has the right to a safe, non-threatening environment.
B Maintaining this environment requires a co-ordinated, collaborative team effort.
C Every person in the home has a share in the responsibility.


EFFECTIVE USE OF THE “Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light” MODEL MIGHT INCLUDE:


Green Light Mode: “All is Well and Peaceful in our little Family Nest.”

The green light condition in a family allows a fair amount of freedom with few restrictions, as long as the behaviour does not cross into the violation area.

The “heat” is not turned on unless a pre-determined unacceptable level of mis-behaviour is reached.

Children enjoy freedoms and benefits, while parents appreciate the compliance with reasonable standards that do not require constant monitoring and intervention.

Some areas in which families have been successful in the Green Light Mode:

HOMEWORK:
A student who performs to their own determined and parent agreed-upon academic level, is allowed to select their own schedule to keep within the standard.

PERSONALISING AND UPKEEP OF THE CHILD’S ROOM:
As long as an agreed upon reasonable minimum standard of cleanliness and order is maintained, and as long as certain agreed-upon values such as violence, profanity and sexuality are maintained, the child is free to design and maintain his or her living space.

CHOICE AND USE OF MUSIC, VIDEOS ETC:
As long as agreed-upon standards are not violated such as disrespect for authority, levels of volume, Inconsiderateness for other family members, and the values mentioned above, the child may have some
freedom in selecting music, video, TV and computer material.

BEDTIME:
If a child can get up and have everything ready for school on time, be reasonably cheerful, and function effectively, he/she might be allowed increasing choice in bed-times.


Yellow Light Mode: “The Dragon in Me/Us is Stirring”

Most of the time the family is going to be operating in this mode.

In this mode the family develops and implements rules that follow the “Firm, Fair and Friendly” Model.

The individual earns the consequent Benefit or Cost according to their own choice of behaviour.

Be prepared to spend all the time you need negotiating and developing appropriate rules, and agreeing on natural or pre-determined consequences – either Benefits or Costs.

Rules developed in a calm environment before specific misbehaviour occurs are superior to rules that arise in the heat of any moment.

Review the rules regularly and refine and re-commit to them.
K.I.S.S. (Keep It Short and Simple)

Remember: You want increasingly self-governing children, not puppets.

Some “Yellow Light” tips: (Keep your rules displayed them where all can see them regularly)

A Identify target behaviours with specific definitions and limits. Do this at a calm time and when a potential violation has not just occurred.

B Establish “Fair” consequences. Natural or logical consequences should be used as much as possible. Consensus and commitment are essential to any system of rules. Administer the agreed-upon consequences immediately, consistently and fairly, matter-of-factly.

C Provide positive rewards or BENEFITS for the desired behaviour as well as restrictions or COSTS for the undesired behaviour. Talk about the benefits that are possible more often than the costs that will be incurred with failing to keep their commitment to the family rules.

D Use minimum discussion during the enforcements necessary. Develop a neutral firm, fair and friendly way of dealing with infractions of the agreed-upon family rules.

E Using a “correctional model” allows opportunity for “reduced sentences” or “time off for good behaviour.” Be problem-solvingly merciful as well as problem-solvingly just.


Red Light Mode: “Sorry Folks… Red Light Mode necessary – this is more than We can handle”

A parent’s job is to be a parent. Protect, guide, nurture, teach, model desired mature behaviour.

Parents get into trouble by trying to wear the “hats” of others like law enforcement or mental health workers, or rehabilitation personnel.

At times, additional resources are needed.

Before a time of crisis, the family should discuss conditions under which additional outside resources may become necessary, along with who should be included and how. Be the parent!

A possible less formal RED LIGHT RESOURCE TEAM might include

Extended family
Trusted neighbours
Scout or other Group leaders
Coaches
Community or church youth leaders
Home Teachers
Bishop/Minister

A more formal or public RED LIGHT MODE RESOURCE TEAM might include

Police or Probation Officer
Mental Health Crisis Worker
Emergency Services (Fire, Ambulance)
School Staff if problem is school related
Division of Family Services, or Community Family Intervention Services
Drug, Alcohol, Sexual Abuse Professionals


Conclusion:

Even the most generous “unilateral gifts” and the most professionally conducted “family councils” would probably have little effect on our rebellious children.

Children have their agency. The older they get, the more freely and creatively they are going to exercise it. Increase in grace and dignity as you parent your growing children/teenagers/young adults.

For those of our children who fall somewhere within the “normal” range of the Compliant – Rebellious Continuum, the “Firm, Fair and Friendly” Model can be very helpful in alleviating family stresses and
conflicts, providing skills and competencies for handling peer difficulties, and establishing standards and processes for appropriate functioning within our home.

A family Compass with “F Dials” (Firm, Fair, Friendly) may be what is needed to keep many parents and children on a reasonable path to the “promised land” of a more peaceful home environment.


From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS