Family Councils

Firm, Fair and Friendly Model: Module 2

Families can be the center of the most rewarding and enjoyable experiences of our lives, or they can become dreaded associations where painful and destructive interactions occur daily.

For a complex task (parenting), success is more likely if we have the right set of tools… how confident would you feel if you saw that your (vehicle) mechanic’s repertoire of tools was 867 hammers?

One tool that has been consistently effective in a variety of family settings is the family council…
employ a variety of COMMUNICATION, PROBLEM SOLVING and CONFLICT RESOLUTION skills.

SOME FAMILY COUNCIL (not Counsel) GUIDELINES:

1. K.I.S.S. (Keep it short and simple) Plan. Limit the length of time and content.

2. Consider the “you can’t eat an elephant in one bite”, and “stuck record” approaches. “That’s something we need to make time to think about and discuss another time.
Today we will to focus on…” “For now we are limiting our discussion to…”

3. Follow the generally accepted “rules of engagement”. No attacks.
No inhumane treatment. “Fighting Fair” is more important than winning at all costs.

4. Limit the length and depth of the topic selected for discussion. Problem solving periods that are limited to short chunks of time followed by enjoyable re-creational activities are more likely to be effective.

5. Look for areas of agreement and opportunities for compromise. “You may be right” “I can see where you are coming from”. “I think we can both agree that…” “That certainly makes sense.” “Any other ideas from others?” Use these de-fusers liberally. De-fusers help to keep emotions at a lower level and reduce defensiveness, encourage negotiation.

6. Establish rules of respect.
i Do not criticize, put down, or mock.
ii Do not bring up unrelated negative experiences.
iii Do not interrupt. Let each person finish.
iv Actively listen. Rephrase what you heard. “I hear you saying…” “Your position is…”
“To you…” Only after rephrasing accurately may you give your point of view.

7. Do not use information discussed in a family council in other situations in a punitive way. Everyone has the right to express his or her feelings and point of view without fear of intimidation, retribution or revenge.


FOCUS THE DISCUSSION.
Focus and re-focus the discussion in ways that keep it from deteriorating into defensive confrontation.
Professional negotiators and mediators suggest the following:

A Focus on the BEHAVIOUR, not the person. Refer to what the person does, rather than labeling him/her on what we imagine he or she is. “Mary talks enthusiastically/energetically.” Rather than “Mary is loud and talkative.”

B Focus on OBSERVATIONS rather than on inferences. “I notice you responded quickly to his criticism.” rather than “You were defensive.”

C Focus on DESCRIPTION rather than judgment. Comment on what you see and hear rather than on judging good or bad, right or wrong, nice or not nice.

D Focus on “MORE OR LESS”. “You are participating less today.” “You look more content. “

E Focus on PRESENT behaviour. Be specific. “You hit your brother.” “You are shouting.” “You are helping me – thank you.”

F Focus on SHARING ideas and information rather than giving advice. Let the receiver appropriately decide how to use the information you have shared. Giving advice makes you responsible for the failure or success.

G Focus on EXPLORING alternatives rather than finding “the correct” answer or solution. The more variety of alternatives contributed by more of the people, the more likely we are as a family council to stimulate and maintain an active search for effective solutions and better ways of doing things. In many (most) instances there are several right ways of accomplishing the desired family objective. Choose one of the attractive-to-most alternatives. Agree together.

H Focus on the VALUE TO THE RECIPIENT, not on the “release value” to the person providing the information. The information provided should serve the needs of the receiver, rather than the needs of the giver. Help and feedback need to be given and perceived as an offer, not as an imposition or mandate.

I Focus on the AMOUNT OF INFORMATION the person receiving it can use rather than on the amount of information you have to give. To overload a person with information is to reduce the possibility that he or she may use it effectively. Giving more than can be used is often done to meet the needs of the giver rather than to assist the receiver to solve their problems. Parents, teachers and other “authorities” commonly fault in this area. “Dad, you really overestimated my curiosity on that subject” is what one child said to his father.

J Focus on the TIME and PLACE and EMOTIONAL LEVEL that will enable the participants to thoughtfully receive and process the information of the council. Problems discussed should be within the capability range of participants. When emotions are high and accusations and defenses are defeating the purpose of the discussion, it may be wise to re-schedule until the participants have had a chance to get their feelings under control.


SELECT AGENDA ITEMS.

Not all items need to be included each time.
Choose a time that is convenient for all the family.
Take responsibility - Set the mood – firm, fair, friendly.
Select a setting that is conducive to a positive outcome.
Focus on seeking solutions rather than finding fault.

Include these Family Council components most times:

INTRODUCTION: Talk briefly about the proposed agenda, and the goals of this Family Council.
Periodically remind participants of the rules of engagement (see above) that have
previously gradually been introduced, practiced and refined. Congratulate.

CALENDAR: Discuss what is happening in the lives of the family members.
Co-ordinate appointments, concerns, deadlines, commitments etc.

REVIEW: Follow up on previous assignments.
Identify new challenges encountered. Invite in-put from all family members.
TOGETHER: simplify or expand, refine, adapt, discard, re-commit, adopt.
Indicate goals and solutions achieved by discussion. Compliment. Celebrate.

SKILLS: Introduce new, or remind, of different problem-solving tools (above) for use.
(Guidelines, and Focus items)

CLOSURE: Good discussions have good closures:
Summarise the conclusions reached together, or note those postponed.
Remind of the assignments accepted, or volunteered for, in this family council.
Set a date for the next Family Council.

POSITIVE FOCUS: Finally, re-focus on the positive. Look for it. Remind. Encourage.
The positive is always there along with every challenge, trial or tribulation.

Between this Family Council and the next one:

Invite genuine compliments from each family member, to each family member.
Remind of unilateral gifts from each family member to each other family member.

ACTIVITY: Move on to a previously scheduled recreational activity chosen from a list of what is interesting and/or delightful for the family members: either
- for some, and the others graciously participate reciprocally, or
- which is enjoyed wholeheartedly by all the family members.


From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS