Three Questions

Firm, Fair and Friendly Model: Module 1

Successful parenting may be the most difficult challenge that any one of us will ever face.

…goodly parents…attempt to teach, guide, and direct their children in ways of righteousness.

“It is not the most loveable individuals who stand in need of love, but the most unloveable” . Ashley Montagu

… even the best intended parents are going to, at times, struggle…

Firm, Fair, and Friendly. Most family breakdowns can be traced to difficulties in one of these elements… it takes a delicate balance of all three to have a harmonious and smoothly functioning family.

Most children can tolerate firm, demanding, and even rigorous rules if these rules are perceived as fair and if the application takes place in a friendly and loving manner.

If you can honestly answer ‘yes’ to these three questions, there is a nearly 100% chance of success in your family.
If any of the answers is ‘no’ the focus needs to be on those areas first.

Question 1: Do I genuinely like, and care about, the other person/s in my family?

Question 2: Is this problem worth the effort and energy that will be required of me/us to resolve it?

Question 3: Am I willing to give a unilateral, unconditional gift? (unilateral/unconditional: given regardless of whether the other person deserves/earns the gift, or is able to reciprocate)

Create your own A/B list and ask the other person/s to make their A/B list (or create one if they are unable):

“A” list: List what you want, and what you need in the relationship.

“B” list: What you think will be on the other person’s “A” list.

Compare your “B” list with his/her “A” list. Discuss. Correct your “B” list to correspond with their “A” list.

Choose an item from your “’B” list (corrected from their “A” list) regarding which you are prepared to make a unilateral gift.

State something like “Because I genuinely care for you, and because I want our relationship to improve, I am willing to______________.”
The only response needed from the recipient is a simple statement as to whether the gift would be appreciated.

Invite reciprocation. Persuade skillfully for as long as
necessary if initial invitations of reciprocation are resisted.


From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS