Abuse – Illegitimate use of Position, Power and Control
*Abuse may be intentional, vicious and violent. Some may be inadvertent, clumsy, ignorant and unknowing.
*ALL ABUSE IS WRONG. If I commit it, it is wrong! If another commits it, it is wrong!
*All of us are responsible to do what is necessary to identify abuse, discover how to deal with it in ourselves, and discover how to effectively intervene on behalf of those who are less able than we are, with or without official help.
*All of us deserve respect, kindness, care and attention... both the offended and the offenders. Consult with those who know more than you do how best to be effective. Learn. Be part of the force for change for the better.
Physical:
Twisting, tripping, biting, pushing, shoving, hitting.
Scratching, jabbing, poking.
Punching, pinching, kicking, grabbing.
Slapping, choking, pulling hair/ears/limbs.
Using a weapon/object to inflict harm and pain.
Beating, whipping, throwing around, shaking, banging.
Tickling, beyond light, fleeting tickling.
Tickling after being asked to stop.
Burning.
Restraining unreasonably.
Depriving of touch.
Cruelty to children/animals.
Threatening:
-To do something to hurt physically and/or emotionally.
-To kill, or to have killed.
-To abandon, to leave and not come back.
-To take away people or things.
-To commit suicide, or to injure self.
-To report to family or friends, church, school or state authorities.
Gender Privilege:
Treating the other gender as worthless/inadequate.
Making decisions without discussion.
Acting dictatorially like the “king” ”queen” “boss”.
Treating the other gender like a slave/servant.
Adult Position:
Making the other parent feel guilty about the children.
Using children to pass on messages from you to another adult.
Using your way of parenting to harass or hurt another.
Favouring one child over other siblings.
Unfair punishment, over strictness.
Showing of harmful videos/television/books/magazines/internet etc
Making children take on adult responsibilities.
Putting children in the middle of adult fights.
Forcing excessive work.
Forcing children/teenagers/young adults to date/mate those adults choose.
Expecting/demanding faultlessness, perfection.
Always claiming to be right "I'm telling you the truth".
Making fun of another's behaviour.
Not taking another seriously.
Shifting responsibility - blaming the other for your behaviour.
Intimidation:
Putting another in a state of fear by looks, actions, gestures.
Loud voice, smashing things, destroying property.
Screaming, shouting.
Frightening by unexpected actions or noises.
Forcing another to watch beatings.
Rushing someone to make decisions.
Making uninvited visits or calls.
Use of physical size to intimidate.
Preventing another from leaving the room/house.
Driving recklessly.
Isolation:
Controlling what another does, whom they are permitted to see.
Controlling whom another may talk to, and where they may go.
Cruel or degrading confinement.
Preventing another from private and public transport.
Preventing or making it difficult to keep contact with family/friends.
Monitoring phone calls.
Abusing trust and Breaking promises:
Cheating on your partner/family.
Not following through with agreements.
Not taking a fair share of responsibility.
Refusing to help with the work of parenting/housework.
Emotional/Verbal:
“Putting down”, anger, constant criticism, insulting, rejecting.
Telling someone exactly what to do/not to do.
Saying or doing things that make another feel bad about themselves.
Calling another names that humiliate, confuse or hurt.
Saying you wish they were dead.
Silent treatment, refusing to communicate. Ignoring. Sulking.
Manipulating, causing guilt feelings - 'guilt tripping'.
Making and breaking promises repeatedly.
Sadistic making fun of, teasing and/or tricks.
Humiliating/taunting/mocking/shaming another.
Making another think they are going crazy, or are already crazy.
Playing “Persecutor” “Rescuer” and/or “Victim” mind-games.
Not allowing any privacy.
Forcing another to keep “secrets”.
Blaming another for all the couple/family or other problems.
Ignoring, or not believing, or disregarding when someone says “No”.
Abusing or misusing the trust placed in you.
Withholding legitimate compliments, guidance, support and encouragement.
Interrupting.
Changing the topic.
Not listening/not responding.
Twisting meaning of words.
Saying bad things about friends and family.
Withholding information.
Spiritual:
Spiritual leaders (including spouse and parents) telling another what God would have them do/not do – which is not what He would say, or the way He would say it.
Economic:
Keeping another from getting a job if they want to work.
Ensuring that another loses their job if you don’t want them to work.
Making another ask/beg for money to which they are reasonably entitled.
Withholding food, clothing, necessities, money.
Giving a paltry allowance whilst being lavish with yourself.
Taking/stealing money that belongs to another.
Interfering at the place of employment.
Educational:
Failing to send children to school in accordance with laws.
Failing to reasonably enable them to have positive educational experiences.
Medical:
Withholding medical attention.
Withholding medicines.
Medicating to make the other dependent/compliant.
Residential:
Locking legitimate house occupants out of their home.
Changing the locks to keep residents out of their home.
Taking away, or “losing”, another’s keys.
Sexual:
Making another do any sexual things they don’t want to.
Physically attacking the sexual parts of another’s body.
Treating another as a sex object.
Sexual Harassment. Sexual shaming.
Inflicting pain associated with sexuality.
Unlawful sexual relations.
Any sexually stimulating behaviour outside of marriage.
Sexually inappropriate language.
Neglect:
Physical personal neglect.
Leaving children alone for hours on end without supervision.
Neglect of any in your care.
Non-supervision.
Abandonment:
Simply leaving and not coming back.
Self-Destructive Behaviour:
Abusing drugs/alcohol/medication.
Threatening suicide or other forms of self-harm.
Saying or doing things that will have negative consequences.
*When abuse happens repeatedly,
attempts to please, pacify, or reason with the offender
seldom stop the behaviour.
*Apologies and promises by the abuser
seldom signal the end of the abuse.
*Frequently evaluate your communication and treatment of others, and theirs with you.
*Affirm your own worth.
*Affirm the fundamental worth of each and every other.
*Believe that you have the right to think, feel and make choices for yourself.
And so do all others have that right too.
*Train those you are responsible to, and responsible for,
to know for themselves what their rights and responsibilities are
and to increasingly be assertive and responsible.
*Know that you can ask for help. Talk to someone you trust.
Keep talking until the situation is remedied.
***Do I allow little things to annoy me,
resulting in any of the above verbal or non-verbal forms of abuse?
***Do I become frustrated and make hurtful comments
even though I understand that
the other to whom I am speaking is NOT responsible
for MY angry feelings – I am?
My, or others’, unkind behaviour and hurtful comments
that grow out of our disappointments and dissatisfactions
may be early signs of impending escalating
harmful behaviour to self or others.
If not identified and corrected early,
unkind behaviour patterns and comments
can escalate into of more serious offences.
With constant, careful effort those involved CAN eliminate these behaviours and comments.
Marriage, family and relationship peace and satisfaction is possible,
when “the rules of the healthy marriage and family game” are followed.
Use thoughts, words and actions that protect, help and build, not harm and intimidate.
From: P Carnes, R Woods, R Fait, L Fauneaur, “Preventing and Responding to Child Abuse”, “Spouse Abuse”, NISAA Institute for Women's development.
BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED: If you fail to plan and prepare, you ARE preparing and planning to fail. I love my four children! I would have liked to parent them better. This is some of what I wish I had been able to know thirty or forty years ago! I hope this helps my younger friends.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Some Rules
Some Rules Kids Won’t Learn in School
Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No 1.
Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it’s not fair. (See Rule No 1)
Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice-president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
Rule No.4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ‘til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure (a secure job), so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask how you feel about it.
Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life.” and “You’re not the boss of me.” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your time. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic they are. And by the way, before you save the rain forests from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try de-lousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feeling be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No’s 1,2 and 4)
Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rules No. 1 and 2)
Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. You life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Anniston.
Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself “ with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Rule No. 14: Enjoy this (your life) while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.
Original Text by Charles J Sykes – San Diego Tribune – 19 Sept 1996
Unfortunately, there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don’t. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
Rule No. 1: Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “It’s not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, they realized Rule No 1.
Rule No. 2: The real world won’t care as much about your self-esteem as much as your school does. It’ll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain it’s not fair. (See Rule No 1)
Rule No. 3: Sorry, you won’t make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won’t be a vice-president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn’t have a Gap label.
Rule No.4: If you think your teacher is tough, wait ‘til you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure (a secure job), so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he’s not going to ask how you feel about it.
Rule No. 5: Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren’t embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.
Rule No. 6: It’s not your parents’ fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It’s my life.” and “You’re not the boss of me.” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it’s on your time. Don’t whine about it, or you’ll sound like a baby boomer.
Rule No. 7: Before you were born your parents weren’t as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic they are. And by the way, before you save the rain forests from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents’ generation, try de-lousing the closet in your bedroom.
Rule No. 8: Your school may have done away with winners and losers. Life hasn’t. In some schools, they’ll give you as many times as you want to get the right answer. Failing grades have been abolished and class valedictorians scrapped, lest anyone’s feeling be hurt. Effort is as important as results. This of course, bears not the slightest resemblance to anything in real life. (See Rule No’s 1,2 and 4)
Rule No. 9: Life is not divided into semesters and you don’t get summers off. Not even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don’t get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on. While we’re at it, very few jobs are interested in fostering your self-expression or helping you find yourself. Fewer still lead to self-realization. (See Rules No. 1 and 2)
Rule No. 10: Television is not real life. You life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be as perky or pliable as Jennifer Anniston.
Rule No. 11: Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.
Rule No. 12: Smoking does not make you look cool. It makes you look moronic. Next time you’re out cruising, watch an 11-year-old with a butt in his mouth. That’s what you look like to anyone over 20. Ditto for “expressing yourself “ with purple hair and/or pierced body parts.
Rule No. 13: You are not immortal. (See Rule No. 12) If you are under the impression that living fast, dying young and leaving a beautiful corpse is romantic, you obviously haven't seen one of your peers at room temperature lately.
Rule No. 14: Enjoy this (your life) while you can. Sure parents are a pain, school’s a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you’ll realize how wonderful it was to be a kid. Maybe you should start now.
Original Text by Charles J Sykes – San Diego Tribune – 19 Sept 1996
Deception and Lying
Teens: Deception and Lying
When someone is deceiving and lying to you, they are hiding themselves from you. You don’t know the real person you are dealing with. Your teen is not present with you. And that is not good.
Three common reasons for teen deception and lying:
FEAR: He is afraid to be honest. He may be scared to disappoint you or a friend. He may be afraid of your anger, or that you will pull away from him.
He may fear that the truth will interfere with love – the relationship.
Ask him if you are not allowing him be his real self. Ask if you are controlling his life so much that he is afraid to have freedom or secrets.
Let him know you may not agree with him, but that, no matter what, you are on the same side.
Tell him you want him to have love, increasing space and greater freedom.
DOUBLE BINDS: You have expectations that are unreasonable and whichever choices he makes he cannot win – he loses.
Example: John is told he cannot hang around with Steven. Steven is a bad influence on John. John agreed to abide by the restriction.
Not long after that a group of friends got together. John was in the group, and so was Steven. John felt weird and embarrassed about walking away from the group to keep his agreement with his parent, so he didn’t do anything about it, nor did he tell his parent the circumstances.
The parent found out. In the discussion that followed between parent and teen the adult discovered he had put his teen in a difficult situation.
After thought and more discussion the agreement was altered: John agreed not to be alone with Steven. In a group setting John was less vulnerable to Steven’s influence than when there were just the two of them.
Life is challenging enough without your unrealistic expectations and demands.
A SHORTCUT MENTALITY: Lying is easier – practical, problem-solving – in the short term… All of us have this short-cut mentality at some level – we govern it with maturity. To allow this to continue in an increasingly un-self-disciplined fashion is to allow a pattern to develop that will ruin her life.
Handling the Problem of Deception and Lying:
Take a No-Tolerance Stand.
State your position with love, tolerance and grace. He needs to understand that when deception begins, relationships end. Let him know that it is not OK and never will be OK to deceive and lie – not now and also not in the future.
Stay Connected – Even in the Problem.
“I am always for you, even when you lie. But when you deceive me it is hard to know who you are, or to believe you. I want a relationship with you, and I’m going to keep working on this with you. I want you to know that your deception gets in the way of that. When you deceive me you’re dishonest and you are distancing yourself from me.”
Love is Free – But Freedom is Earned.
To the extent that she is untruthful, she loses the freedom she desires and needs so much. Love is unconditional and freely given. Freedom and trust must be earned – so she chooses how much freedom and trust she gets. “I know you want to go out. Your lying makes it impossible to trust you. You will be going out less until I see more honesty in you.”
Give Ways to Earn Freedom.
“You can go out now, but because of your lying, you will have to phone me every hour. And also, an adult must get on the phone and verify that you are where you say you are going.” She needs to know that deception is serious and that the way to get more freedom is by slowly gaining back your trust.
Go Lightly on Confession and Heavier on Deception.
Let him know that if he breaks the agreement it will go better for him if he admits the truth rather than being caught in the lie. The consequence of deception will be much higher than the consequence of telling the truth.
Catch What You Can, But Stay Focused on the Relationship.
Don’t expect to know everything and catch everything. Don’t cause her to think you are going to monitor every second of her life – that often drives her to creative deception. Your work is to help her experience the truth that relationships and life are better when she becomes more honest.
Pray about How to Handle the Deceptions.
God designed life to work better for us when we live in the Light. “Live as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8
From Boundaries with Teens p187ff - Dr John Townsend
When someone is deceiving and lying to you, they are hiding themselves from you. You don’t know the real person you are dealing with. Your teen is not present with you. And that is not good.
Three common reasons for teen deception and lying:
FEAR: He is afraid to be honest. He may be scared to disappoint you or a friend. He may be afraid of your anger, or that you will pull away from him.
He may fear that the truth will interfere with love – the relationship.
Ask him if you are not allowing him be his real self. Ask if you are controlling his life so much that he is afraid to have freedom or secrets.
Let him know you may not agree with him, but that, no matter what, you are on the same side.
Tell him you want him to have love, increasing space and greater freedom.
DOUBLE BINDS: You have expectations that are unreasonable and whichever choices he makes he cannot win – he loses.
Example: John is told he cannot hang around with Steven. Steven is a bad influence on John. John agreed to abide by the restriction.
Not long after that a group of friends got together. John was in the group, and so was Steven. John felt weird and embarrassed about walking away from the group to keep his agreement with his parent, so he didn’t do anything about it, nor did he tell his parent the circumstances.
The parent found out. In the discussion that followed between parent and teen the adult discovered he had put his teen in a difficult situation.
After thought and more discussion the agreement was altered: John agreed not to be alone with Steven. In a group setting John was less vulnerable to Steven’s influence than when there were just the two of them.
Life is challenging enough without your unrealistic expectations and demands.
A SHORTCUT MENTALITY: Lying is easier – practical, problem-solving – in the short term… All of us have this short-cut mentality at some level – we govern it with maturity. To allow this to continue in an increasingly un-self-disciplined fashion is to allow a pattern to develop that will ruin her life.
Handling the Problem of Deception and Lying:
Take a No-Tolerance Stand.
State your position with love, tolerance and grace. He needs to understand that when deception begins, relationships end. Let him know that it is not OK and never will be OK to deceive and lie – not now and also not in the future.
Stay Connected – Even in the Problem.
“I am always for you, even when you lie. But when you deceive me it is hard to know who you are, or to believe you. I want a relationship with you, and I’m going to keep working on this with you. I want you to know that your deception gets in the way of that. When you deceive me you’re dishonest and you are distancing yourself from me.”
Love is Free – But Freedom is Earned.
To the extent that she is untruthful, she loses the freedom she desires and needs so much. Love is unconditional and freely given. Freedom and trust must be earned – so she chooses how much freedom and trust she gets. “I know you want to go out. Your lying makes it impossible to trust you. You will be going out less until I see more honesty in you.”
Give Ways to Earn Freedom.
“You can go out now, but because of your lying, you will have to phone me every hour. And also, an adult must get on the phone and verify that you are where you say you are going.” She needs to know that deception is serious and that the way to get more freedom is by slowly gaining back your trust.
Go Lightly on Confession and Heavier on Deception.
Let him know that if he breaks the agreement it will go better for him if he admits the truth rather than being caught in the lie. The consequence of deception will be much higher than the consequence of telling the truth.
Catch What You Can, But Stay Focused on the Relationship.
Don’t expect to know everything and catch everything. Don’t cause her to think you are going to monitor every second of her life – that often drives her to creative deception. Your work is to help her experience the truth that relationships and life are better when she becomes more honest.
Pray about How to Handle the Deceptions.
God designed life to work better for us when we live in the Light. “Live as children of light.” Ephesians 5:8
From Boundaries with Teens p187ff - Dr John Townsend
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