Each child needs praise and encouragement... BUT...
NOT when HE/SHE wants to, or NEEDS to, talk!
When a child is troubled, he needs acceptance and understanding, not praise.
Praise is often used less consciously to manipulate a child into feeling better, but it always interferes with the child's ability to confide in us. (YOU are meeting YOUR need not your child's).
Your ill-timed (habitual?) praise interferes with your acceptance and understanding of your child.
Imagine: Your thirteen year old, slender, attractive daughter comes home looking very sad. You hear that someone called her skinny.
She says "Do you think I am skinny?"
In an effort to cheer her up, you say "No, but I know one thing for sure; you are always pleasant and have a very happy disposition. I always admire you because you take things so well and never get your feelings hurt. You are a real good sport."
She will have more difficulty in telling you of the hurts she feels - right now as well as in the future.
Instead she may cry alone in her bedroom.
She may go and tell a girlfriend or someone else.
From: "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED: If you fail to plan and prepare, you ARE preparing and planning to fail. I love my four children! I would have liked to parent them better. This is some of what I wish I had been able to know thirty or forty years ago! I hope this helps my younger friends.
Thursday, October 30, 2008
Monday, October 13, 2008
How Not to Listen - Avoiding, Playing Down
Attempts to ignore your child's FEELINGS, attempts to ignore your child's PROBLEMS are often very subtle.
Examples of Avoiding and Playing Down:
Praise
Sympathy
False reassurance
Humour
Sarcasm
Open avoidance
"I agree; they could make school more interesting if they wanted to"
"Don't worry and fret so much. High School will be interesting next year"
"That's too bad. They make it hard to learn, don't they?"
"But you're such a good student and have such great potential!"
"Why don't you take it up with the school? I can't do anything"
"Won't it be funny when you are a school teacher? You'll see it differently then"
"Don't bother me - I am trying to write a letter"
Children treated these ways often tend to confide in friends, or others who wait and watch for when your child is vulnerable so that they can manipulate your child. Friends will accept, your child's FEELINGS, they will support your child's BEHAVIOUR whether it is right or wrong.
Examples of Avoiding and Playing Down:
Praise
Sympathy
False reassurance
Humour
Sarcasm
Open avoidance
"I agree; they could make school more interesting if they wanted to"
"Don't worry and fret so much. High School will be interesting next year"
"That's too bad. They make it hard to learn, don't they?"
"But you're such a good student and have such great potential!"
"Why don't you take it up with the school? I can't do anything"
"Won't it be funny when you are a school teacher? You'll see it differently then"
"Don't bother me - I am trying to write a letter"
Children treated these ways often tend to confide in friends, or others who wait and watch for when your child is vulnerable so that they can manipulate your child. Friends will accept, your child's FEELINGS, they will support your child's BEHAVIOUR whether it is right or wrong.
Thursday, October 9, 2008
How Not to Listen - Attacking
Open attacks arouse defiance and rebellion in the more aggressive child and foster withdrawal and depression in the compliant child.
Relationships are destroyed. Your child must either go elsewhere for approval or live on negative attention.
Examples of attacking:
Interrogating
Criticising
Blaming
Shaming
"Why in the world can't you do your homework?!"
Your attitude is so poor that you'll never succeed"
"It's your own fault that you didn't do better"
"You are just lazy. You know better too"
"Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Relationships are destroyed. Your child must either go elsewhere for approval or live on negative attention.
Examples of attacking:
Interrogating
Criticising
Blaming
Shaming
"Why in the world can't you do your homework?!"
Your attitude is so poor that you'll never succeed"
"It's your own fault that you didn't do better"
"You are just lazy. You know better too"
"Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Sunday, October 5, 2008
How Not to Listen - Showing Superiority
We must overcome this bad habit:
Showing Superiority
Flaunting superior wisdom and judgment challenges your child to a contest and arouses defences quickly.
Most children with motivation and confidence will not hear what a parent says without a rebuttal; nor will they consider using any advice, regardless of how sound, without some discussion.
Your child is busy with developmental stages where they are learning to think - they are practicing justifying their viewpoints. They can't really hear you yet.
The confident child is challenged to compete with you when you show your superiority.
The child without confidence becomes even more dependent and weak.
Examples of showing superiority:
Preaching
Moralising
Lecturing
Advising
Using logic
Diagnosing
"Every person should get as much education as possible to be a good citizen"
"You must work harder and stop dating so much to get good grades"
"Have you ever considered your future? How will you earn a living?"
"You just want to have a good time now but haven't thought seriously about the consequences"
Parents need to teach their children values, ideals, and goals.
Parents are frequently asked by children for information about life and its problems.
During these teaching moments teach with sensitivity. Back off when resistence is aroused.
The best teaching moments occur when neither teacher nor student is emotionally upset about a problem.
From "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Showing Superiority
Flaunting superior wisdom and judgment challenges your child to a contest and arouses defences quickly.
Most children with motivation and confidence will not hear what a parent says without a rebuttal; nor will they consider using any advice, regardless of how sound, without some discussion.
Your child is busy with developmental stages where they are learning to think - they are practicing justifying their viewpoints. They can't really hear you yet.
The confident child is challenged to compete with you when you show your superiority.
The child without confidence becomes even more dependent and weak.
Examples of showing superiority:
Preaching
Moralising
Lecturing
Advising
Using logic
Diagnosing
"Every person should get as much education as possible to be a good citizen"
"You must work harder and stop dating so much to get good grades"
"Have you ever considered your future? How will you earn a living?"
"You just want to have a good time now but haven't thought seriously about the consequences"
Parents need to teach their children values, ideals, and goals.
Parents are frequently asked by children for information about life and its problems.
During these teaching moments teach with sensitivity. Back off when resistence is aroused.
The best teaching moments occur when neither teacher nor student is emotionally upset about a problem.
From "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
How Not to Listen - Showing Power
Overcome this bad habit:
Showing Power
When you show your power it is most often a quick but temporary way of solving a problem. The disadvantage is that the use of power implies that the child is not capable of solving the problem. It also sends the message that your child is unco-operative as well.
This invites a power struggle.
The parents hope to win and obtain obedience. If they succeed they have obedient children, yes, but they are "dependent" and "weaker" children.
Examples of showing power:
Ordering
Commanding
Giving directions
- accompanied by warnings, threats and admonitions.
"You had better change your attitude or you will never like school"
"If you don't get good grades, no more dates"
From "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Showing Power
When you show your power it is most often a quick but temporary way of solving a problem. The disadvantage is that the use of power implies that the child is not capable of solving the problem. It also sends the message that your child is unco-operative as well.
This invites a power struggle.
The parents hope to win and obtain obedience. If they succeed they have obedient children, yes, but they are "dependent" and "weaker" children.
Examples of showing power:
Ordering
Commanding
Giving directions
- accompanied by warnings, threats and admonitions.
"You had better change your attitude or you will never like school"
"If you don't get good grades, no more dates"
From "Becoming a Better Parent" LDS Social Services
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)