Towards Less Stressful Parenting – “Firm, Fair, and Friendly” Model
Module 3: Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light
The “Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light” Model helps families determine what level of systems or rules to develop and implement, or relax and re-define, depending on their regularly reviewed circumstances.
The underlying principle is to attempt to get the problem resolved at the lowest intervention level possible without putting the family members at risk, or setting up any individual for failure.
The goal is to train the participants to understand what their roles are and how to work with others.
Basic premises:
A Every parent and child has the right to a safe, non-threatening environment.
B Maintaining this environment requires a co-ordinated, collaborative team effort.
C Every person in the home has a share in the responsibility.
EFFECTIVE USE OF THE “Green Light, Yellow Light, Red Light” MODEL MIGHT INCLUDE:
Green Light Mode: “All is Well and Peaceful in our little Family Nest.”
The green light condition in a family allows a fair amount of freedom with few restrictions, as long as the behaviour does not cross into the violation area.
The “heat” is not turned on unless a pre-determined unacceptable level of mis-behaviour is reached.
Children enjoy freedoms and benefits, while parents appreciate the compliance with reasonable standards that do not require constant monitoring and intervention.
Some areas in which families have been successful in the Green Light Mode:
HOMEWORK:
A student who performs to their own determined and parent agreed-upon academic level, is allowed to select their own schedule to keep within the standard.
PERSONALISING AND UPKEEP OF THE CHILD’S ROOM:
As long as an agreed upon reasonable minimum standard of cleanliness and order is maintained, and as long as certain agreed-upon values such as violence, profanity and sexuality are maintained, the child is free to design and maintain his or her living space.
CHOICE AND USE OF MUSIC, VIDEOS ETC:
As long as agreed-upon standards are not violated such as disrespect for authority, levels of volume, Inconsiderateness for other family members, and the values mentioned above, the child may have some
freedom in selecting music, video, TV and computer material.
BEDTIME:
If a child can get up and have everything ready for school on time, be reasonably cheerful, and function effectively, he/she might be allowed increasing choice in bed-times.
Yellow Light Mode: “The Dragon in Me/Us is Stirring”
Most of the time the family is going to be operating in this mode.
In this mode the family develops and implements rules that follow the “Firm, Fair and Friendly” Model.
The individual earns the consequent Benefit or Cost according to their own choice of behaviour.
Be prepared to spend all the time you need negotiating and developing appropriate rules, and agreeing on natural or pre-determined consequences – either Benefits or Costs.
Rules developed in a calm environment before specific misbehaviour occurs are superior to rules that arise in the heat of any moment.
Review the rules regularly and refine and re-commit to them.
K.I.S.S. (Keep It Short and Simple)
Remember: You want increasingly self-governing children, not puppets.
Some “Yellow Light” tips: (Keep your rules displayed them where all can see them regularly)
A Identify target behaviours with specific definitions and limits. Do this at a calm time and when a potential violation has not just occurred.
B Establish “Fair” consequences. Natural or logical consequences should be used as much as possible. Consensus and commitment are essential to any system of rules. Administer the agreed-upon consequences immediately, consistently and fairly, matter-of-factly.
C Provide positive rewards or BENEFITS for the desired behaviour as well as restrictions or COSTS for the undesired behaviour. Talk about the benefits that are possible more often than the costs that will be incurred with failing to keep their commitment to the family rules.
D Use minimum discussion during the enforcements necessary. Develop a neutral firm, fair and friendly way of dealing with infractions of the agreed-upon family rules.
E Using a “correctional model” allows opportunity for “reduced sentences” or “time off for good behaviour.” Be problem-solvingly merciful as well as problem-solvingly just.
Red Light Mode: “Sorry Folks… Red Light Mode necessary – this is more than We can handle”
A parent’s job is to be a parent. Protect, guide, nurture, teach, model desired mature behaviour.
Parents get into trouble by trying to wear the “hats” of others like law enforcement or mental health workers, or rehabilitation personnel.
At times, additional resources are needed.
Before a time of crisis, the family should discuss conditions under which additional outside resources may become necessary, along with who should be included and how. Be the parent!
A possible less formal RED LIGHT RESOURCE TEAM might include
Extended family
Trusted neighbours
Scout or other Group leaders
Coaches
Community or church youth leaders
Home Teachers
Bishop/Minister
A more formal or public RED LIGHT MODE RESOURCE TEAM might include
Police or Probation Officer
Mental Health Crisis Worker
Emergency Services (Fire, Ambulance)
School Staff if problem is school related
Division of Family Services, or Community Family Intervention Services
Drug, Alcohol, Sexual Abuse Professionals
Conclusion:
Even the most generous “unilateral gifts” and the most professionally conducted “family councils” would probably have little effect on our rebellious children.
Children have their agency. The older they get, the more freely and creatively they are going to exercise it. Increase in grace and dignity as you parent your growing children/teenagers/young adults.
For those of our children who fall somewhere within the “normal” range of the Compliant – Rebellious Continuum, the “Firm, Fair and Friendly” Model can be very helpful in alleviating family stresses and
conflicts, providing skills and competencies for handling peer difficulties, and establishing standards and processes for appropriate functioning within our home.
A family Compass with “F Dials” (Firm, Fair, Friendly) may be what is needed to keep many parents and children on a reasonable path to the “promised land” of a more peaceful home environment.
From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS
BETTER PARENTING - BE PREPARED: If you fail to plan and prepare, you ARE preparing and planning to fail. I love my four children! I would have liked to parent them better. This is some of what I wish I had been able to know thirty or forty years ago! I hope this helps my younger friends.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Family Councils
Firm, Fair and Friendly Model: Module 2
Families can be the center of the most rewarding and enjoyable experiences of our lives, or they can become dreaded associations where painful and destructive interactions occur daily.
For a complex task (parenting), success is more likely if we have the right set of tools… how confident would you feel if you saw that your (vehicle) mechanic’s repertoire of tools was 867 hammers?
One tool that has been consistently effective in a variety of family settings is the family council…
employ a variety of COMMUNICATION, PROBLEM SOLVING and CONFLICT RESOLUTION skills.
SOME FAMILY COUNCIL (not Counsel) GUIDELINES:
1. K.I.S.S. (Keep it short and simple) Plan. Limit the length of time and content.
2. Consider the “you can’t eat an elephant in one bite”, and “stuck record” approaches. “That’s something we need to make time to think about and discuss another time.
Today we will to focus on…” “For now we are limiting our discussion to…”
3. Follow the generally accepted “rules of engagement”. No attacks.
No inhumane treatment. “Fighting Fair” is more important than winning at all costs.
4. Limit the length and depth of the topic selected for discussion. Problem solving periods that are limited to short chunks of time followed by enjoyable re-creational activities are more likely to be effective.
5. Look for areas of agreement and opportunities for compromise. “You may be right” “I can see where you are coming from”. “I think we can both agree that…” “That certainly makes sense.” “Any other ideas from others?” Use these de-fusers liberally. De-fusers help to keep emotions at a lower level and reduce defensiveness, encourage negotiation.
6. Establish rules of respect.
i Do not criticize, put down, or mock.
ii Do not bring up unrelated negative experiences.
iii Do not interrupt. Let each person finish.
iv Actively listen. Rephrase what you heard. “I hear you saying…” “Your position is…”
“To you…” Only after rephrasing accurately may you give your point of view.
7. Do not use information discussed in a family council in other situations in a punitive way. Everyone has the right to express his or her feelings and point of view without fear of intimidation, retribution or revenge.
FOCUS THE DISCUSSION.
Focus and re-focus the discussion in ways that keep it from deteriorating into defensive confrontation.
Professional negotiators and mediators suggest the following:
A Focus on the BEHAVIOUR, not the person. Refer to what the person does, rather than labeling him/her on what we imagine he or she is. “Mary talks enthusiastically/energetically.” Rather than “Mary is loud and talkative.”
B Focus on OBSERVATIONS rather than on inferences. “I notice you responded quickly to his criticism.” rather than “You were defensive.”
C Focus on DESCRIPTION rather than judgment. Comment on what you see and hear rather than on judging good or bad, right or wrong, nice or not nice.
D Focus on “MORE OR LESS”. “You are participating less today.” “You look more content. “
E Focus on PRESENT behaviour. Be specific. “You hit your brother.” “You are shouting.” “You are helping me – thank you.”
F Focus on SHARING ideas and information rather than giving advice. Let the receiver appropriately decide how to use the information you have shared. Giving advice makes you responsible for the failure or success.
G Focus on EXPLORING alternatives rather than finding “the correct” answer or solution. The more variety of alternatives contributed by more of the people, the more likely we are as a family council to stimulate and maintain an active search for effective solutions and better ways of doing things. In many (most) instances there are several right ways of accomplishing the desired family objective. Choose one of the attractive-to-most alternatives. Agree together.
H Focus on the VALUE TO THE RECIPIENT, not on the “release value” to the person providing the information. The information provided should serve the needs of the receiver, rather than the needs of the giver. Help and feedback need to be given and perceived as an offer, not as an imposition or mandate.
I Focus on the AMOUNT OF INFORMATION the person receiving it can use rather than on the amount of information you have to give. To overload a person with information is to reduce the possibility that he or she may use it effectively. Giving more than can be used is often done to meet the needs of the giver rather than to assist the receiver to solve their problems. Parents, teachers and other “authorities” commonly fault in this area. “Dad, you really overestimated my curiosity on that subject” is what one child said to his father.
J Focus on the TIME and PLACE and EMOTIONAL LEVEL that will enable the participants to thoughtfully receive and process the information of the council. Problems discussed should be within the capability range of participants. When emotions are high and accusations and defenses are defeating the purpose of the discussion, it may be wise to re-schedule until the participants have had a chance to get their feelings under control.
SELECT AGENDA ITEMS.
Not all items need to be included each time.
Choose a time that is convenient for all the family.
Take responsibility - Set the mood – firm, fair, friendly.
Select a setting that is conducive to a positive outcome.
Focus on seeking solutions rather than finding fault.
Include these Family Council components most times:
INTRODUCTION: Talk briefly about the proposed agenda, and the goals of this Family Council.
Periodically remind participants of the rules of engagement (see above) that have
previously gradually been introduced, practiced and refined. Congratulate.
CALENDAR: Discuss what is happening in the lives of the family members.
Co-ordinate appointments, concerns, deadlines, commitments etc.
REVIEW: Follow up on previous assignments.
Identify new challenges encountered. Invite in-put from all family members.
TOGETHER: simplify or expand, refine, adapt, discard, re-commit, adopt.
Indicate goals and solutions achieved by discussion. Compliment. Celebrate.
SKILLS: Introduce new, or remind, of different problem-solving tools (above) for use.
(Guidelines, and Focus items)
CLOSURE: Good discussions have good closures:
Summarise the conclusions reached together, or note those postponed.
Remind of the assignments accepted, or volunteered for, in this family council.
Set a date for the next Family Council.
POSITIVE FOCUS: Finally, re-focus on the positive. Look for it. Remind. Encourage.
The positive is always there along with every challenge, trial or tribulation.
Between this Family Council and the next one:
Invite genuine compliments from each family member, to each family member.
Remind of unilateral gifts from each family member to each other family member.
ACTIVITY: Move on to a previously scheduled recreational activity chosen from a list of what is interesting and/or delightful for the family members: either
- for some, and the others graciously participate reciprocally, or
- which is enjoyed wholeheartedly by all the family members.
From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS
Families can be the center of the most rewarding and enjoyable experiences of our lives, or they can become dreaded associations where painful and destructive interactions occur daily.
For a complex task (parenting), success is more likely if we have the right set of tools… how confident would you feel if you saw that your (vehicle) mechanic’s repertoire of tools was 867 hammers?
One tool that has been consistently effective in a variety of family settings is the family council…
employ a variety of COMMUNICATION, PROBLEM SOLVING and CONFLICT RESOLUTION skills.
SOME FAMILY COUNCIL (not Counsel) GUIDELINES:
1. K.I.S.S. (Keep it short and simple) Plan. Limit the length of time and content.
2. Consider the “you can’t eat an elephant in one bite”, and “stuck record” approaches. “That’s something we need to make time to think about and discuss another time.
Today we will to focus on…” “For now we are limiting our discussion to…”
3. Follow the generally accepted “rules of engagement”. No attacks.
No inhumane treatment. “Fighting Fair” is more important than winning at all costs.
4. Limit the length and depth of the topic selected for discussion. Problem solving periods that are limited to short chunks of time followed by enjoyable re-creational activities are more likely to be effective.
5. Look for areas of agreement and opportunities for compromise. “You may be right” “I can see where you are coming from”. “I think we can both agree that…” “That certainly makes sense.” “Any other ideas from others?” Use these de-fusers liberally. De-fusers help to keep emotions at a lower level and reduce defensiveness, encourage negotiation.
6. Establish rules of respect.
i Do not criticize, put down, or mock.
ii Do not bring up unrelated negative experiences.
iii Do not interrupt. Let each person finish.
iv Actively listen. Rephrase what you heard. “I hear you saying…” “Your position is…”
“To you…” Only after rephrasing accurately may you give your point of view.
7. Do not use information discussed in a family council in other situations in a punitive way. Everyone has the right to express his or her feelings and point of view without fear of intimidation, retribution or revenge.
FOCUS THE DISCUSSION.
Focus and re-focus the discussion in ways that keep it from deteriorating into defensive confrontation.
Professional negotiators and mediators suggest the following:
A Focus on the BEHAVIOUR, not the person. Refer to what the person does, rather than labeling him/her on what we imagine he or she is. “Mary talks enthusiastically/energetically.” Rather than “Mary is loud and talkative.”
B Focus on OBSERVATIONS rather than on inferences. “I notice you responded quickly to his criticism.” rather than “You were defensive.”
C Focus on DESCRIPTION rather than judgment. Comment on what you see and hear rather than on judging good or bad, right or wrong, nice or not nice.
D Focus on “MORE OR LESS”. “You are participating less today.” “You look more content. “
E Focus on PRESENT behaviour. Be specific. “You hit your brother.” “You are shouting.” “You are helping me – thank you.”
F Focus on SHARING ideas and information rather than giving advice. Let the receiver appropriately decide how to use the information you have shared. Giving advice makes you responsible for the failure or success.
G Focus on EXPLORING alternatives rather than finding “the correct” answer or solution. The more variety of alternatives contributed by more of the people, the more likely we are as a family council to stimulate and maintain an active search for effective solutions and better ways of doing things. In many (most) instances there are several right ways of accomplishing the desired family objective. Choose one of the attractive-to-most alternatives. Agree together.
H Focus on the VALUE TO THE RECIPIENT, not on the “release value” to the person providing the information. The information provided should serve the needs of the receiver, rather than the needs of the giver. Help and feedback need to be given and perceived as an offer, not as an imposition or mandate.
I Focus on the AMOUNT OF INFORMATION the person receiving it can use rather than on the amount of information you have to give. To overload a person with information is to reduce the possibility that he or she may use it effectively. Giving more than can be used is often done to meet the needs of the giver rather than to assist the receiver to solve their problems. Parents, teachers and other “authorities” commonly fault in this area. “Dad, you really overestimated my curiosity on that subject” is what one child said to his father.
J Focus on the TIME and PLACE and EMOTIONAL LEVEL that will enable the participants to thoughtfully receive and process the information of the council. Problems discussed should be within the capability range of participants. When emotions are high and accusations and defenses are defeating the purpose of the discussion, it may be wise to re-schedule until the participants have had a chance to get their feelings under control.
SELECT AGENDA ITEMS.
Not all items need to be included each time.
Choose a time that is convenient for all the family.
Take responsibility - Set the mood – firm, fair, friendly.
Select a setting that is conducive to a positive outcome.
Focus on seeking solutions rather than finding fault.
Include these Family Council components most times:
INTRODUCTION: Talk briefly about the proposed agenda, and the goals of this Family Council.
Periodically remind participants of the rules of engagement (see above) that have
previously gradually been introduced, practiced and refined. Congratulate.
CALENDAR: Discuss what is happening in the lives of the family members.
Co-ordinate appointments, concerns, deadlines, commitments etc.
REVIEW: Follow up on previous assignments.
Identify new challenges encountered. Invite in-put from all family members.
TOGETHER: simplify or expand, refine, adapt, discard, re-commit, adopt.
Indicate goals and solutions achieved by discussion. Compliment. Celebrate.
SKILLS: Introduce new, or remind, of different problem-solving tools (above) for use.
(Guidelines, and Focus items)
CLOSURE: Good discussions have good closures:
Summarise the conclusions reached together, or note those postponed.
Remind of the assignments accepted, or volunteered for, in this family council.
Set a date for the next Family Council.
POSITIVE FOCUS: Finally, re-focus on the positive. Look for it. Remind. Encourage.
The positive is always there along with every challenge, trial or tribulation.
Between this Family Council and the next one:
Invite genuine compliments from each family member, to each family member.
Remind of unilateral gifts from each family member to each other family member.
ACTIVITY: Move on to a previously scheduled recreational activity chosen from a list of what is interesting and/or delightful for the family members: either
- for some, and the others graciously participate reciprocally, or
- which is enjoyed wholeheartedly by all the family members.
From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS
Friday, April 4, 2008
Three Questions
Firm, Fair and Friendly Model: Module 1
Successful parenting may be the most difficult challenge that any one of us will ever face.
…goodly parents…attempt to teach, guide, and direct their children in ways of righteousness.
“It is not the most loveable individuals who stand in need of love, but the most unloveable” . Ashley Montagu
… even the best intended parents are going to, at times, struggle…
Firm, Fair, and Friendly. Most family breakdowns can be traced to difficulties in one of these elements… it takes a delicate balance of all three to have a harmonious and smoothly functioning family.
Most children can tolerate firm, demanding, and even rigorous rules if these rules are perceived as fair and if the application takes place in a friendly and loving manner.
If you can honestly answer ‘yes’ to these three questions, there is a nearly 100% chance of success in your family.
If any of the answers is ‘no’ the focus needs to be on those areas first.
Question 1: Do I genuinely like, and care about, the other person/s in my family?
Question 2: Is this problem worth the effort and energy that will be required of me/us to resolve it?
Question 3: Am I willing to give a unilateral, unconditional gift? (unilateral/unconditional: given regardless of whether the other person deserves/earns the gift, or is able to reciprocate)
Create your own A/B list and ask the other person/s to make their A/B list (or create one if they are unable):
“A” list: List what you want, and what you need in the relationship.
“B” list: What you think will be on the other person’s “A” list.
Compare your “B” list with his/her “A” list. Discuss. Correct your “B” list to correspond with their “A” list.
Choose an item from your “’B” list (corrected from their “A” list) regarding which you are prepared to make a unilateral gift.
State something like “Because I genuinely care for you, and because I want our relationship to improve, I am willing to______________.”
The only response needed from the recipient is a simple statement as to whether the gift would be appreciated.
Invite reciprocation. Persuade skillfully for as long as
necessary if initial invitations of reciprocation are resisted.
From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS
Successful parenting may be the most difficult challenge that any one of us will ever face.
…goodly parents…attempt to teach, guide, and direct their children in ways of righteousness.
“It is not the most loveable individuals who stand in need of love, but the most unloveable” . Ashley Montagu
… even the best intended parents are going to, at times, struggle…
Firm, Fair, and Friendly. Most family breakdowns can be traced to difficulties in one of these elements… it takes a delicate balance of all three to have a harmonious and smoothly functioning family.
Most children can tolerate firm, demanding, and even rigorous rules if these rules are perceived as fair and if the application takes place in a friendly and loving manner.
If you can honestly answer ‘yes’ to these three questions, there is a nearly 100% chance of success in your family.
If any of the answers is ‘no’ the focus needs to be on those areas first.
Question 1: Do I genuinely like, and care about, the other person/s in my family?
Question 2: Is this problem worth the effort and energy that will be required of me/us to resolve it?
Question 3: Am I willing to give a unilateral, unconditional gift? (unilateral/unconditional: given regardless of whether the other person deserves/earns the gift, or is able to reciprocate)
Create your own A/B list and ask the other person/s to make their A/B list (or create one if they are unable):
“A” list: List what you want, and what you need in the relationship.
“B” list: What you think will be on the other person’s “A” list.
Compare your “B” list with his/her “A” list. Discuss. Correct your “B” list to correspond with their “A” list.
Choose an item from your “’B” list (corrected from their “A” list) regarding which you are prepared to make a unilateral gift.
State something like “Because I genuinely care for you, and because I want our relationship to improve, I am willing to______________.”
The only response needed from the recipient is a simple statement as to whether the gift would be appreciated.
Invite reciprocation. Persuade skillfully for as long as
necessary if initial invitations of reciprocation are resisted.
From: AMCAP Journal Volume 30 - 2006. Noel C Gill, PhD; Sharon Black, MA; GeriLynn P Vorkink BS
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